So, Barack Obama is keeping his job as our next President of the United States. Neat. While morale is no doubt varied because of this, I’m sure the one thing we can all agree is that 100% of us would rather see our mother get punched in the face than deal with another second of politics.
So to ease us back into reality and adjust our eyes to the light, here is a list of made up presidents in films. Guys who, no matter what party affiliation, we can all agree would beat out either of this year’s candidates. And by “beat out,” I mean with fists.
President Thomas Wilson – 2012
I know what you’re thinking. He never so much as raised a fist in this film. While Wilson never fought a bear or ordered a nuclear strike, his badassery came when every high up official was kickin’ it to the apocalypse boats and this guy was all like, “Nah. I’m good.”
Being the last ever president of the United States is, in itself, pretty boss – however this guy gets extra points to standing there covered in the ashes of god’s rage fire and meeting oblivion head on. He don’t run, this guy. Even when a freaking aircraft carrier is putting the hammer down – he don’t run. And forever after this day will he be remembered as Thomas Wilson: Last President Of The United States, killed when the USS John F. Kennedy was thrown at him by a giant goddamn wave.
Seriously, when he got to heaven the first thing God said to him was, “Did you just see that shit?”
The President – Escape From New York
“You’re the Duke of New York – you’re A-number-one!”
Anyone else find the Duke’s need to be praised as “A-number-one” just a little weird? Feels like something a child would ask for. In fact, there’s a lot of childishness going around with some of these badasses. Snake Plissken, for example. At the end of the film he goes to the President to ask him what he thinks of all the lives lost, and gets a fairly half-assed answer.
While that kind of sucks, my guess is that the President is still probably processing the whole ordeal – and considering that he saved Snake’s life, you’d think that Snake would take it easy on the guy. But no – he literally sulks off and destroys the guy’s tape. Come on, man. Grow up. I’m not saying that the President isn’t most likely an asshole – but are you really gonna go mope about it like that?
Anyway – this unnamed president still gets a badass pass because he killed Isaac Hayes and saved Kurt Russell. That’s pretty good. Also, any president who is in command of a dystopian New-York-Is-A-Prison United States automatically gets some cool points as well.
President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho – Idiocracy
You know, I honestly think that if we had a president like Camacho, way more would get done in this country. You bet your ass we’d tackle climate change if some behemoth commander-in-chief gave scientists a week before he “kicked their smart balls all the way up to the roof of their smart mouths.”
Also, death by monster truck rally is just good for everyone really. It would create way more jobs than how we do capital punishment today, what with all those drivers and vendors and the clean up. Not to mention admission prices and pay-per-view. That’s just smart thinking. Imagine if that’s how we got rid of Bin Laden.
Sure, in the case of Idiocracy this doesn’t work only because everyone is like the president – but in our world today I think this could work. This is why I propose we all get behind Undertaker for president in 2016. With your help, I know that we can choke-slam the problems of tomorrow, starting today.
President Thomas “Tug” Benson – Hot Shots! Part Deux
Not many presidents out there can say that they sword fought Saddam Hussein. In fact, I’m pretty sure none of them can, but I don’t want to completely close the door on that.
Benson, the half-artificial war hero that he is, makes a perfect POTUS. He’s dense, able to roll with the punches but stick to his guns, and is virtually indestructible. Not to mention that he has a clear grasp on the time-honored Navy fighting tradition that the ‘first guy to die loses.’
Lloyd Bridges man. We have so much to thank him for. Playing the ex-Navy Admiral Benson was pretty fitting considering that Bridges served in the Coast Guard during WWII. In fact, both of his sons, Beau and Jeff Bridges, have also served in the Coast Guard for eight years. Good for them.