Sometimes you just have to punch a wall, or perhaps a car door, or a ceramic cat – really, it’s whatever is closest. Whether it is rage, retribution, or legitimate hatred, sometimes an inanimate object just has to go down.
In the moving pictures this is especially fun to watch. Much like a movie death is often more dramatic than reality, a little inanimate destruction goes a long way.
15. Ralphie’s Mother vs. The Lamp in A Christmas Story
Unlike almost everything else on this list, this wasn’t a crime of passion. It was premeditated, so much so to the point that she made sure there was no coming back – no means to repair what she had done.
We don’t even witness it happen, but rather see only the sinister look on the woman’s face right before she passive aggressively destroys her husband’s ridiculous prize. In fact, for all we know, it was an accident – and that’s what makes it such a delicious act of hate.
14. James Conway vs. A Payphone in Goodfellas
Back in the day it used to be so much more satisfying to break a phone in public. There was a whole big box to wreck and push over and kick and punch. Today, you throw the damn thing and that’s pretty much it. At best you step on it – but of course the satisfaction lasts only as long as it takes you to realize you’ve just lost 400 bucks.
I like to imagine that just outside of this scene is a small man who has been waiting like a half hour to use the payphone, but was too scared to intrude, and is now slowly walking away with his head down.
13. Dumbledore’s Army vs. The Horcruxes in Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows
What a stupid thing to have to deal with. You need to off a guy, but first you have to go around and break his stuff – and even that’s harder than it seems because you need some stupid sword to do it with. You know how hard it is to even swing a sword and hit something the size of a quarter? It’s amazing the Ron nailed it on the first try like that, especially since his vision of it was blocked by evil sex smoke.
I’d much rather deal with a snake or burn some twitchy Hogwarts teacher than be yelled at by fog or have to try to stab a freaking cup with some fang. At least with the snake you don’t feel stupid while doing it.
12. Hercules aka “The Beast” vs. The Autographed Baseball in The Sandlot
I believe this is the only one on this list that stems from a need to chew on something. What a bitch this ball had to take – thank god Darth Vader was a baseball guy or else that kid would have probably been belted by Denis Leary. Also, what the hell is Denis Leary doing in this film? Not that I am opposed, but the guy seems to pop up in the weirdest places.
Weird fact: Rick Lazzarini was the guy in charge of the animatronic Beast effects on this movie. He was the guy in charge of Barf’s ears in Spaceballs, as well as the animatronic buffalo in Radio Flyer, the elephant in Operation Dumbo Drop, and Kurt Russell’s puppet double in Escape From L.A. So I guess he has a thing for animals.
11. Paul Vitti vs. A Pillow in Analyze This
More often than not, a gun just isn’t going to satisfy that visceral desire to project hate from your body and into another object – that’s why I’ve never fully understood using them on another human. I’ve shot guns before (at objects, not other people), and while it’s absolutely therapeutic, it never seemed like a proper output for anger. It felt more like popping bubble wrap.
So with a pillow, you’d think the brutality level would be turned way down. However this is Robert De Niro we’re talking about here. Robert De Niro pulling a mob-style hit on a fluffy pillow. You could devote a whole movie just to that.
10. The Terminator vs. The Hood Of A Car in Terminator 3
I guess technically this is one inanimate object trashing another inanimate object – but as you’ll note from this list I did not want to get into the world of smashing robots; that’s a whole can of worms that didn’t need to be opened. In the interest of simplicity, robots have souls. At least for this list.
Anyway – not the best film, but personally it did satisfy a few desires – mainly, hot terminator. Also it was fun to see two terminators go at it in the world of modern CGI. Sure – not so fun that there needed to be a whole new film, but still… He smashed a urinal on her, that’s pretty neat.
9. Quint vs. The Orca’s Radio in Jaws
Considering the character, he’s probably been through a few radios. Hell – he most likely pulls that shit on every trip. I’m not sure what anyone expected from the drunk shark fisherman besides total sabotage followed by being swallowed whole. It’s like being surprised that a stoned dishwasher breaks dishes. My point is – Quint wasn’t very good at his job.
Also, how drunk do you think that shark got after eating Quint? That would actually explain why the thing just started spearing its way through the Orca, chewing anything thrown in its demon maw. Poor thing, in the end its was just a big slippery sot, hungry and confused. We’ve all been there.
8. Phil vs. An Alarm Clock in Groundhog Day
This one is surely the winner for the most unsatisfying beating of an appliance. Damn thing won’t stay broken – like if Cyberdyne Systems made clock radios. That said – it’s certainly satisfying to watch a blank-faced Bill Murray smash the sin out of it over and over. Then again, it’s satisfying to watch a blank-faced Bill Murray do anything. The man is funny while golfing, GOLFING.
Lord knows his clock-smashing FDR will be a thing of beauty in the upcoming Hyde Park on the Hudson, which, in case you are wondering, comes out tomorrow.
Read on!