This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr recovers from his colossal failure in getting any of his votes in the Critic’s Choice Movie Awards to count (except for A Separation for best foreign film, but who didn’t think that would win?) by engaging in therapy via multiplex. Unfortunately, it’s January, and his only choices were Marky Mark and the Smuggling Bunch or Queen Latifah going mano-y-mano with the robot Dolly Parton. He opts for the action film, but he may have also fallen asleep during it. How soon until good movies are released again?

Want to hear what Kevin has to say on the Fat Guys at the Movies podcast? Click here to listen as Kevin is joined by Tim Buel from The Golden Briefcase to chat about the new movies of the week and what films should get a 3D conversion.

CONTRABAND
Studio: Universal

Rated: R for violence, pervasive language and brief drug use

Starring: Kate Beckinsale, Mark Wahlberg, Ben Foster, Giovanni Ribisi and Diego Luna

Directed by: Baltasar Kormákur

What it’s about: Mark Wahlberg plays Chris Farraday, a smuggler who has gone legit and is getting his life in order. However, his brother-in-law is still smuggling and ends up dumping a shipment of cocaine when the Coast Guard gets too close. The drug dealers demand payment and threaten Chris’s family, so he plans one final job to pay the debt.

What makes the grade: Had Contraband shown up as a DVD or Blu-ray to review buried among other straight-to-video releases, it might have been somewhat impressive. There is a certain level of production value and casting that help it rise above a standard direct-to-DVD movie. Unfortunately, this was released in theaters, so it’s left to compete with the big boys.

In the film’s defense, it has some decent action elements, including guns blazing and vehicles blowing up. But then again, so did Colombiana, and that was a real stinker of a film.

What fails: Even though Contraband rises above your standard direct-to-DVD action release, it doesn’t do so by much. Part of the problem is that the hero is stuck on a ship for half the film, limiting what little action we can actually see. At times – especially as we near the end of the movie – it tries to present itself as a gritty smuggling version of Oceans Eleven. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have the cast or the charisma to pull that off.

Part of the film is the suspense that is supposed to be felt as you watch Farraday’s wife (phoned in by Kate Beckinsale) and kids in danger from the local drug dealers. However, we are never really given any reason to like the wife aside from the fact that she’s pretty (it is Kate Beckinsale, after all) and she likes to make out with her husband during other people’s weddings. Sadly, she’s a weak-willed, unprepared idiot of a character who can’t put anything together to figure out what’s really going on. And her kids are brats, too.

In the end, Contraband isn’t terrible, rather utterly forgettable. And there really wasn’t much potential there anyway. We’ve seen all this before, though often executed better.

Who is gonna like this movie: Action junkies looking for a quick fix before the winter shoot-em-ups start.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST 3D
Studio: Disney

Rated: G

Starring: Paige O’Hara, Richard White, Robby Benson, Jerry Orbach and David Ogden Stiers

Directed by: Gary Trousdale and Kirk Wise

What it’s about: Disney’s classic animated film about a young woman held prisoner in a castle by a beast with whom she falls in love comes back to theaters for a limited time, presented in 3D.

What makes the grade: Quite simply, this is my favorite ink-and-paint animated film from the Disney vault. It also earned the distinction of being the only animated film to be nominated for Best Picture when there were only five nominees (which also pre-dated the Best Animated Film category). Made in the middle of Disney’s 90s Renaissance, which also included The Little Mermaid, Aladdin and The Lion King, this is a fantastic film no matter what format it’s presented in – theatrical, 3D, VHS, DVD or Blu-ray.

The music is perfect for the film, composed and written by the powerhouse team of Alan Menken and Howard Ashman before the latter died too young. The voice cast is also perfect, before it became popular for well-known celebrities to lend their voices to these productions. Instead of being saddled with too many recognizable names, the characters were cast for their voice acting abilities and appropriate fit.

But beyond all the technical brilliance, beautiful animation and other aforementioned elements, Beauty and the Beast works because its story and characters are smoothly crafted and presented with care. It’s a story that people of any age can relate to, whether its the aspects of love and honor or the fear of being trapped. One of the greatest love stories Disney has committed to screen, Beauty and the Beast is a wonderful movie that transcends generations.

What fails: There’s really nothing that bothers me about the production itself. However, I do question the need for a theatrical 3D release. As much as I love the 3D format, it seems silly to put this in theaters when the 3D Blu-ray has been available since the beginning of October. This seems more of a cash grab for the Mouse House after The Lion King 3D tore up the box office in September.

A friend of mine once said to never underestimate Disney’s ability to cash in on something, but we shall see if audience will pay the money to see the 3D version with the only added bonus being a new short with the characters from Tangled.

Who is gonna like this movie: Pretty much everyone.

The story of the West Memphis Three (Damien Echols, Jason Baldwin, and Jessie Misskelley) has already been, quite famously, immortalized in filmmakers Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky’s Paradise Lost trilogy (which wrapped up this year after the Three were finally freed from prison), but Berligner and Sinofsky were not the only filmmakers captivated by the unbelievable story of the men, the murders, and the miscarriage of justice surrounding them. Peter Jackson and his wife and producing partner Fran Walsh have long been supporters of Echols, Baldwin, and Misskelley, so it’s no surprise that the pair have helped produce a new documentary about the men and their case.

West of Memphis is an investigative documentary by the Academy Award-nominated Amy Berg that “tells the untold story behind an extraordinary and desperate fight to bring the truth to light.” The film picks up with the official police investigation in 1993, covering the story “from the inside.” Filled with new information and new evidence, West of Memphis is a timely and welcome addition to this year’s Sundance Film Festival.

West of Memphis will have its World Premiere at Sundance on Friday, January 20, with four additional screenings throughout the festival. Check out the film’s official trailer after the break, along with screening information for Sundance. See you there!

You can also check out the film’s official website and their official Facebook page for more information.

The film will have five screenings, including its World Premiere and a screening each in Salt Lake City and the Sundance Resort. Check out the film’s page on the Sundance Film Guide for ticketing information.

When it was first reported that David Katzenberg and Seth Grahame-Smith were going to begin their producing partnership by working on a sequel to the Tim Burton film Beetlejuice, it didn’t really sound like a good idea to me. At first glance it seems like Beetlejuice is a very specifically Tim Burton movie, and the idea of somebody else working in that universe feels strange and off-putting. Why would you even want to make another Beetlejuice unless you were Tim Burton?  That would be like somebody who wasn’t Quentin Tarantino saying they were going to make a sequel to Pulp Fiction.

But when Grahame-Smith said that he would only do the movie if he got Burton’s blessing and if Michael Keaton came back to star as the titular ghost with the most, the idea started to sound less crazy. I mean, seeing somebody else working in this world that is so visually Burton’s vision would still be a little weird, but who wouldn’t be interested at the possibility of Keaton slipping back into one of his most outlandish and iconic roles? I’ve found my skepticism about a Beetlejuice sequel waning over time.

And that continues now that there’s some confirmation that Burton is, in fact, going to be involved with this movie in some way. While talking to the people at MTV about his current projects Dark Shadows and Frankenweenie, Burton took a minute to address his own feelings about the developing sequel. On doing another Beetlejuice he said, “I love that character, and Michael is so great in it. I always think about how great and fun that character was, so I just said to Seth, ‘If you have some idea about it, go for it, and then I’ll look at it freshly.’ In the past, I tried some things, but that was way back when. He seemed really excited about it.” It’s nice to hear Burton is being kept in the loop on this one, but how deep will his involvement go?

It’s hard to tell at this point, because Burton hasn’t actually seem any of Grahame-Smith’s work yet. According to the director, “I told him to try some stuff, but he hasn’t come back to me yet.” Since he seems so keen on seeing what gets written and giving it his own “fresh look,” does this mean he might be considering coming back and directing himself? I guess time will tell, but, either way, it has to be seen as a positive that he’s getting some say in this movie’s direction.

The upcoming movie Kill Your Darlings will look at the relationship between beat authors Allen Ginsberg and Jack Kerouac, and the man who introduced them, Lucien Carr. It was a relationship that reportedly began with murder, as soon after the three became friends Carr was implicated in the killing of another man named David Kammerer, and the famous authors found themselves caught in the middle of all the drama. Sounds like a saucy little story, especially with the “based on true events” factor that it has working for it. But perhaps even more exciting than the murder aspects of this story is the cast that it is now being assembled to bring it to life.

The first casting announcement was that Daniel Radcliffe would be shrugging off his wizarding robe and branching out in another direction to portray Ginsberg. The idea of watching Radcliffe do something so different could have been enough to sell people on this movie alone, but some new casting details have surfaced that add to the anticipation. According to a report from Variety, not only has the Kerouac role been filled by Boardwalk Empire’s Jack Huston, and the Carr role filled by In Treatment’s Dane DeHaan, but Martha Marcy May Marlene’s breakout star Elizabeth Olsen has signed on as well. She’ll be playing Edie Parker, who was an art student and a girlfriend of Kerouac’s.

Even though Olsen has just a couple acting gigs under her belt, she’s already become on of my favorite Hollywood ladies, so I see this news as being huge. With just one batch of casting announcements, suddenly Kill Your Darlings has gone from a Daniel Radcliffe starring curiosity to an intriguing ensemble piece that I’m really looking forward to.

Not really sure how old time is, but this report is full of beauties, beasts, drug lords, and Queen Latifah. It’s the Reject Report, where we dive into the box office and sort out how much cash goes to which movies. Three films hit this week – two new and one re-release in 3D – each offering their own, diverse form of entertainment.

Each film has its own strengths to pull in as much box office change as it can possibly get. While new films will be making their own money, it could very well be the Disney classic that takes the proverbial cake. And who’s going to contend with the Beast, really? The dude kicked Gaston’s ass.

BIG HITTERS

Congratulations, world. Disney has figured out a way to rake in even more cash than before. With the 3D reissue of The Lion King this past September as a test run, we’ll be guaranteed one reissue every three or four months for the foreseeable future. On their plate now is Beauty and the Beast, one of the most beloved of Disney’s classics. That’s right. I said “beloved.” In September The Lion King pulled in $30.1m and $21.9m its first two weekends topping the charts both weekends. That’s a pretty good indicator of the kind of numbers Disney is expecting from these re-releases. While Beauty and the Beast was a fine success for the studio in 1991 ($171.3m domestic) it didn’t come anywhere near the kind of box office The Lion King made ($422.7m domestic). That could also be a good indicator of the ups and downs these re-releases might go through. Beauty and the Beast will make some fine supplementary income for Disney, but expect more in the $15-20m range this weekend.

It’s just so damn beautiful, alright? Why wouldn’t I give you the dance scene from Beauty and the Beast. It’s not in 3D, though. Sorry:

Marky Mark in the house. Yeah, he hates that. You know what else he hates? Drug dealers. At least that’s what the new documentary film Contraband says. It’s been over three years since Wahlberg has starred in a serious action movie – that is, if you consider Max Payne serious. While his clout has gone up even in that short period of time, Contraband feels like a weak film. Despite Wahlberg’s presence, it doesn’t feel like a big moneymaker. The January release date Universal gave it doesn’t help. Who knows? Contraband could pull in some surprise numbers, but around $15m slightly under Beauty and the Beast seems a better fit.

Marky Mark in the house. Yep, still hates it:

Something about hair being pulled out and a singing competition and Dolly Parton’s there. I don’t know, but Queen Latifah’s career isn’t dead yet, so I’ll put Joyful Noise somewhere in the low double digits. That’s about all that needs to be said at this time.

FAMILIARITIES

Yes, The Devil Inside. We know you made a WHOLE bunch of money last weekend. Why? Because your studio, Paramount, was smart enough to release it with an ending that made people angry. Those angry people talked about how angry they were. Other people, people who weren’t angry yet, heard the angry people, and they said to themselves, “Hey, we need to go investigate what made these people so angry.” And they did. It was like a box office horror movie out there this past weekend. So huge opening weekend for you. We’ll see you on the other side of this 70% drop.

The Iron Lady, notably not a horror movie, expands to just over 800 screens this weekend. That should be enough to generate around $4m or so, not enough to break into the top 10, but enough to warrant the film’s expansion. Expect another expansion and another couple of million here and there if…scratch that, when Meryl Streep gets an Oscar nomination for it. It’s really just a countdown to that now anyway.

LITTLE OPENERS

Opening in limited release are Albatross opening in select cities, The Divide opening in select cities, Don’t Go in the Woods opening in New York City, Loosies opening in select cities, Lula, Son of Brazil opening in select cities, Richard Garriott: Man on a Mission opening in New York City, Vettai opening in select cities, and We Need to Talk About Kevin opening in New York City.

Here’s how the weekend is shaping up:

1. Beauty and the Beast in 3D – $16.8m NEW/OLD
2. Contraband – $15.2m NEW
3. Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol – $12.6m (-36.3%)
4. Joyful Noise – $11.1m NEW
5. The Devil Inside – $10.7m (-68%)
6. Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows – $8.4m (-37.7%)
7. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – $7.9m (-30%)
8. We Bought a Zoo – $5.3m (-35.8%)
9. Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked – $5.1m (-45.6%)
10. War Horse – $4.9m (-42.2%)

Which gives us $98m for the top 10, down from last weekend, but we don’t have The Devil Inside to make people so angry. That’s a plus, right? $98m is about average for this time of year anyway, and it’s a number that could be inflated if Beauty and the Beast strikes the iron the same way The Lion King did. The same goes for Contraband and Joyful Noise, both films factors in them that could bring out a surprise influx of attendance. That $98m could actually be on the low side of things, and a weekend North of $100m could once again be in our near future.

We’ll be back early next week to go over the weekend numbers.

Click here for more of The Reject Report

If you have any taste in movies at all then you know that James Cameron’s Aliens is a kick-ass action/sci-fi movie that never gets old. You should also know that Michael Biehn, who played Cpl. Hicks in Aliens, has a resume filled with fun and memorable flicks. The Terminator, Timebomb, The Abyss, The Seventh Sign, K2, The Rock, Tombstone, and Planet Terror are just a few of his awesomely entertaining movies. Sure he also starred in Take Me Home Tonight, but a man’s gotta put food on the table.

Well if you love the guy as much as you should then you’ll be excited to know he’s hosting a double feature at the Alamo Drafthouse on Saturday the 14th. That’s tomorrow! It’s also in Austin Texas, so if you’re not geographically located nearby you should probably stop reading now. (In fact, go ahead and read this instead.)

And we’ve got a free pair of tickets to both screenings to give away! Check below to see how you can win, but do it fast as the contest ends at midnight tonight (PST).

The screenings will be taking place at Austin’s Alamo S. Lamar theater with Aliens playing at 7pm and The Divide following at 1155pm. Both films include an audience Q&A with Biehn, so start planning those queries now. Ask him what it’s like to touch Sigourney Weaver! Or what he thought about the opening to Alien 3! Or about the challenge of directing! Or if he’s related to Orson Bean!

So how do you win? We’ll make it easy since the contest ends tonight at midnight. Leave a comment below with your favorite Biehn role… that isn’t from a James Cameron film. Boom!

Check out the official announcement from the Alamo Theater below!

With Cpl. Dwayne Hicks, MR. MICHEAL BIEHN, in attendance to entertain your questions and show you what a real fucking man looks like. That’s right! The genre legend, star of some of the best sci-fi and action films of all time–THE TERMINATOR, ALIENS, TOMBSTONE, THE ABYSS, GRINDHOUSE and many more–will be screening THE DIVIDE and ALIENS at the Alamo Drafthouse with an audience Q&A!

Fifty-seven years after her ordeal with an extraterrestrial creature, Ellen Ripley is rescued by a deep salvage team during her hypersleep, only to discover human settlements have popped up on the alien planet, LV-426. Ripley returns to the planet to help out the cocksure, tough as nails space Marines investigate the sudden break in communications from LV-426. AND THEN SH*T GETS REAL. James Cameron picked up where Ridley Scott left off and then turned it up to 11. You will see aliens come out of the walls and Bill Paxton scream, “THAT’S IT! GAME OVER MAN! GAME OVER…” And of course, shots will be fired and things will explode. So stay frosty marine, and grab a ticket to the all-out, balls-to-wall masterpiece that is ALIENS.”

Good luck!

It’s about time more lady-centric comedies popped up in theaters, and the success of Bridesmaids (and what appears to be an insatiable demand for a sequel) should usher in a bit of a golden age for the mini-genre. If that’s so, it’s no shock that such a female-driven sex comedy would show its goods at this year’s Sundance Film Festival. Carrie Preston‘s That’s What She Said will surely be the butt of many jokes around Park City come next week, so it’s fitting that we’re getting the film’s first trailer to warm up the Michael Scott in all of us.

The film stars Anne Heche as DeeDee (Heche was at last year’s Sundance with Cedar Rapids) and Marcia DeBonis as her best friend Bebe (you might recognize DeBonis as Jennifer Garner’s put-upon assistant from 13 Going On 30). Both unlucky in love, DeeDee is trying to heal herself up with bad habits (lots of smoking), while hopeless romantic Bebe thinks she might have finally met her match. A pretty standard plot, right? Well, that’s probably why Maeby Fünke herself, Alia Shawkat, gets tossed in with her own messed up notions about love. Shawkat’s Clementine is a sex addict, and it looks as if her boundary-pushing just might force DeeDee and Bebe to rethink their own choices. Plus, you know, sex and cigarettes.

That’s What She Said will have its World Premiere at Sundance on Friday, January 20, with three additional screenings throughout the festival. Check out the film’s official trailer after the break, along with screening information for Sundance. Prep your best “that’s what she said” jokes now.

The film will have four screenings at the festival, including its World Premiere and a screening in Salt Lake City. Check out the film’s page on the Sundance Film Guide for ticketing information. [THR, via Cinema Blend]

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; if it wasn’t for bad luck, we’d have won that chicken-fried cake eating contest. You have walked under the ladder of decent web content, smashing a few mirrors on your way, and have crossed paths with the black cat of bad movie columns. Every week we step on the cracks of a schlocky film, breaking its back and spilling salt into its wounds. But then, as we’re spinning around three times like boozed-up dreidels, we offer the film the better part of a wishbone with our genuine love and affection. To put a fourth leaf on this clover, we will suggest a themed snack food item that is sure to hex your digestive track as badly as the movie hexes your IQ.

This week’s unlucky charm: Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan.

What Makes It Bad?

Jason Takes Manhattan is the heartwarming story of a sad, but sweet little lake mutant who, despite the fact that his face looks like soggy, unstirred oatmeal, travels to New York City to pursue his dream of becoming a singing, dancing Broadway star. At least, that’s what it should have been about. Instead it’s just the seventh time nobody learned a damn thing from the slaughtering of an entire summer camp in New Jersey. This eighth installment in the Tolkien-esque saga of Jason Voorhees proves that the deciduous forests surrounding Crystal Lake can no longer contain the masked maniac. He therefore boards a floating high school, kills nearly everyone on board, and ends up in New York City where, like Woody Allen and The Muppets before him, he stakes a rather presumptuous claim to the island of Manhattan. However, his escapades in this famed burrow would leave a trail of blood-splash and destruction the likes of which would not be seen again until Sex and the City 2. Funny thing about Jason’s taking of Manhattan, which mind you is only the title of the goddamn film: he doesn’t get there until the movie is more than halfway over. Perhaps the film should have been called Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes His Sweet Ass Time Getting To Manhattan.

So prior to his arrival in the Big Apple, what’s Jason up to? What is his travel itinerary? Well, first he has to be jump-started back to life like a Dodge Dart via an underwater powerline ripped apart by two horny teens who – despite knowing they are sailing along the shores of the site of a mass murder where COUNTLESS horny teens have been soundly dispatched – see no problem stopping for some ill-advised nook. So then he’s free and, according to one character, swims up river to the ocean. So yes, he begins his swim from Crystal LAKE…up RIVER (?)…to the…ocean. He then boards an ugly, rusted out Panamanian industrial freighter days away from being decommissioned. Did I say an ugly, rusted out Panamanian industrial freighter days away from being decommissioned? I meant a luxurious cruise ship apparently. This “cruise ship” is packed from stem to stern with “American” “high school” “teens” on their senior class trip. Evidently in order to afford the trip, Lakeview High (which don’t forget is on the river that leads to the ocean) had to share their cruise ship with a consignment of machine parts and a jovial cache of coke dealers eluding prosecution. This retro-fitted frigate could not be more alarmingly unfit for teen partying; the galley/dance floor featuring ceilings no more than 5ft in height and representing the first time a dancer was in real danger of headbutting a disco ball since our last Bring Your Favorite Gheorghe Muresan To The Party party.

So who does our weary traveler encounter on this ship? Only probably the worst collection of irritating youths who couldn’t even spell interesting if you spelled it for them. Our lead female is purportedly a writer, and yet through the entire movie the biggest word she uses is “experience.” Oh, yes, I kept track. In fact, it’s unfair to the denotation of the word to say that she ever has a conversation with any other character in the film, as that would suggest the involvement of two functioning brain stems. Her crippling inability to muster any audible responses makes nearly every  inviting statement a waste of breath and every direct question a rhetorical. Pretty much the exact opposite quality of what you should be looking for  in a movie heroine. She has this exceedingly silly extrasensory connection with Jason Voorhees, or at least little boy Jason Voorhees, which she apparently earned when she almost drowned in Crystal Lake. Two things. One, I don’t believe that anyone can have extrasensory anything until they demonstrates basic operational understanding of their regular human senses. And two, the reason she almost drowned was that the ghost of Jason pulled her under so obviously she already had this connection prior to earning it by almost drow…*chews off own foot to escape plot trap.*

We also have a “rocker” girl who “rocks” by playing “rock music” on a stereo and stabbing her chubby fingers at the strings on her guitar without making any sound while she whips her awful Joan Jett wig around like her head’s sole desire was to gain independence from her spine. Congratulations, you have effectively failed at grasping the core concept of both actual guitar-playing AND air-guitar-playing. Adding to the confederacy of doorknobs is the bitchy blond who tries to blackmail the teacher by revealing that her “biology project” is nothing more than her drawing body parts on her half-naked frame while another student videotapes it. “I want to make sure I’ve labeled all my organs correctly,” are the words that coyly fart from her stupid mouth. Well, sweetie, considering you only labeled the heart and the stomach I’d say you’re either bollocks with biology or you are a goddamn medical marvel. Oh, and don’t forget the boxer guy who dashes at blistering speed between being a stereotypical 80s black guy and being the worst 80s black guy since Philip Michael Thomas. I’ve never heard anyone flounder so spectacularly at uttering the word “motherfucker.”

So after Jason works his way through this boat of high school travesties – casting the deciding vote on who’ll be voted Most Likely To Be Electrocuted and Best Chest…For Housing A Smoldering Sauna Rock – he follows a dinghy-full of the last remaining survivors (a dinghy of dinghies if you will, or even if you won’t) to the shores of one the greatest cities in the world. And what does he find? An unwashed jungle of filthy filth-covered filth. You could watch a Troma Team film directed by Abel Ferrara and DPed by a crack-addicted prostitute who, ironically, specializes in DP, and you still wouldn’t end up with a sleazier portrait of Manhattan than that in the last act of Friday the 13th Part VIII. I’m not even sure Jason would want to take this city, he’d end up spending a fortune on machete-sized prophylactics. This is a place where the public works department just accepts it as a given that the entire sewer system is flooded with toxic waste every night at midnight and mohawked punks listen to awful, just awful, 80s soft rock; equally disgusting. Oh, and at one point our heroine is kidnapped by a couple of hoods who inject her with heroin from an old needle. At that point even if she were to survive Jason’s rampage, I’m pretty sure the AIDS will finish what he started.

In the end, after this long, arduous journey to see The Big Apple before he dies (for the umpteenth time) what is Jason’s reward? To be transformed into a quivering fat kid by a tidal wave of toxic sludge and left for dead by two asshole teens. I’m sorry, I don’t care what his grown-up version did to you, how bastardly do you have to be to leave a kid dying in a New York City sewer? So yeah, after he has suffered the killing blows of makeshift weaponry from desperate camp counselors and sinning teens across the tri-state area, Jason is foiled by a half-assed plot twist. You’d think a story device this bereft of thinkfullness would require a secondary story device (an amulet, ancient incantation, amnesia bullet, real bullet to mercifully end the life of anyone who paid to see this in theaters) to lend at least some measure of forced validity to it, right? Nope, we’re just supposed to take it on faith that despite the fact that there have been no shortage of aquatic resurrections and even littoral kills throughout this franchise, it turns out Jason’s fear of drowning will transform him into a piss-ant little chub bucket. Thanks, writers of Jason Takes Manhattan. Hey, I’m actually writing a script called Brian Takes A Chunk of Skull with a Sledgehammer. Spoiler: it’s filming at your house.

Why I Love It!

As a die-hard Voorheesian, who owes a great deal of his horrorphile status to this schlock-and-chop franchise, I can’t help but adore this most absurd entry. It was the first time Jason was taken out of the woods and allowed to wreak his special breed of havoc upon even those who were wise enough to stay the hell away from Camp Crystal Lake. If nothing else, it opened the door for his eventual trip to space in Jason X so I don’t think it’s overstatement to note that all human life on this planet owes a life-debt to these filmmakers. Seeing Jason tromping through Times Square, and actually having to divert his shark-like eyes from his prey to take in the spectacle, is an image that, for me, canonizes the allure of B-movies. Is it a cheesy and desperate gimmick? Of course, fool. But that doesn’t make it any less of a selling point for those of us who delight at seeing a concept, and a tired trope or franchise, live beyond its means.

Also people die…like a lot of people. By the time you get past the first Friday the 13th…’s opening credits, you have to admit that you are watching these movies almost exclusively for the kills. In Friday the 13th Part VIII, they know you’ve had seven courses of murder and seem intent on busting your gut with an all-you-can-eat sundae cart of carnage for dessert. It’s not simply the quantity of homicide here, but the quality as well. Kane Hodder’s Jason is angry, and these people are sinners in the hands of this vengeful dark deity. He bashes them with guitars, stabs them through the chest with dirty syringes, drowns them in sewage, and literally punches a man’s head clean off. I am convinced that once he had finished with his initial quarry, Jason would have proceeded to slaughter every citizen of NYC; stacking bodies into towers that rival the city’s iconic skyscrapers.

Yet despite the film’s mean streak (read: apparent hatred for all mankind), there is a pronounced measure of humor running through Jason Takes Manhattan. The first thing Jason sees when he reaches the New York docks is a giant billboard for hockey (no specific team mind you, just hockey in general) in which a player is wearing the exact same mask as the one he wears. Sports jokes! There is also the moment wherein Jason, when accosted by a group of dishwater dull punks, opts to simply lift his mask and frighten them away over butchering them; probably seeing it as pointless as they would be dead in a few years anyway of drugs, skateboarding accidents, or incidents involving Roman candles and their private parts. And then of course there is the ten minute pummeling Jason takes from the ethnically-confused pugilist that ends with Jason decapitating him with one punch; his head then falling from the roof and landing perfectly in an open dumpster. Touchdown, Jason! Three points! Icing! Collective Bargaining! (I don’t know sports). But I think the thing that had me most in stitches, the thing too ridiculous not to be intonational, was this exchange between said doomed boxer and his nerdy compatriot after they’d gathered weapons to fight Jason:

Nerd: What weapon are you taking, Julius?

Julius: Nothing…(LONG PAUSE)…but this gun.

Junkfood Pairing: New York Style Pizza

Embark on your own flavor trip to Manhattan by devouring a hockey-mask-sized piece of New York style pie. This delicacy is often served by the slice…just as Jason serves his annoyance that people dare to breathe oxygen without his express written consent. For most appropriate results, tell yourself all day that this is what you’ll be eating for dinner and then don’t eat it until five minutes before you go to bed.

More hot, delicious Junkfood Cinema

The Mayans, the wise race of ancients who created hot cocoa, set December 21st, 2012 as the end date of their Calendar, which the intelligent and logical amongst us know signifies the day the world will end, presumably at 12:21:12am, Mountain Time. From now until zero date, we will explore the 50 films you need to watch before the entire world perishes. We don’t have much time, so be content, be prepared, be entertained.

The Film: WALL-E (2008)

The Plot: In the distant future, humanity has abandoned Earth (presumably after it got all jacked up in the Mayan Apocalypse), leaving behind a small waste collecting robot, WALL-E, who has faithfully executed his programming by cleaning up all the trash we’ve left behind and crafting it into cute little bundles. His predictable life is turned upside down with the arrival of EVE, a reconnaissance robot he falls in robot love with that leads him on a journey across the stars that will alter the course of humanity.

The Review: For me, WALL-E is one of the few Pixar films that lived up to the tremendous amount of hype surrounding it. It speaks to the powerful nature of the visuals within the film that there is nary a word of dialog for 39 minutes and they’re the best 39 minutes of the film. There’s just something endearing about the spunky little robot, with his tiny arms and sympathetic eyes.

Unlike many other animated films, CGI, drawn, contemporary, or past, WALL-E has a fantastic visual style that emulates a live action film with regards to the lighting and foreground-background focus levels thanks to cinematographer Roger Deakins‘s input. All of the design work and thought to creating the visuals is owed to Andrew Stanton‘s vision of a silent movie in the modern age created with modern computer generated imagery – a novel approach that works flawlessly.

Strangely, this animated movie lit a fire under some asses with its portrayal of the future of humanity – fat, disgusting, lazy slobs who destroyed the Earth with pollution and turned to technology as their savior, taking to space in their reclining hover chairs, taking their sustenance through straws, and living their lives through their touch screen computer interfaces. I say it’s strange because, like Idiocracy, WALL-E doesn’t seem entirely implausible given our current state of laziness and reliance on technology.

Perhaps that’s why I find the film so endearing – you take advanced computer technology and employ a bunch of guys to sit indoors for hours upon hours to craft a movie about the dangers of technology and entice people to get back to nature. It’s a conundrum, almost hypocritical in a way, but really it’s just the responsible use of film to provide a warning without being too preachy about it.

Put simply, WALL-E is a charming film that substitutes a cute as hell robot into the position you’d normally have a cute as hell fuzzy animal. The film makes a strong point about the current trajectory of humanity, which is leading us towards our destruction, whether at the hands of a Mayan sun god angered at our disrespect of nature or our own fat, lazy nature. It’s a movie packed with emotion you wouldn’t expect from robotic leads and the animation is crisp and beautiful.

But why spend 98 minutes watching this film when you only have 494,127 minutes left to live?

If you’re going to die, you should try to find peace and happiness before you do. WALL-E is a tremendously good movie, so there’s that on top of the fact that it can warm your heart a little. It may also end up that this Pixar creation was prophetic, predicting the end of the world at our own hands. Finding a little understanding about why you’re going to die can help put you at ease. Really, though, I just wouldn’t mind seeing that little scamp do his cute little thing one last time and maybe, just maybe, hold out hope that some autonomous and strong willed Roomba will survive the apocalypse and maybe one day make contact with a space fairing race. Further, just because the world is going to be engulfed in flame, it doesn’t mean you should strap yourself to your TV-Food-Combo Hover Chair and ride it out like a slug – get outside and check out a waterfall or something, will ya?

It’s not too late.

Could a first-look photo be more dull than this? It’s just James Bond sitting poolside, like any other Joe Shmoe. Where’s the excitement? Where’s the guns? Where’s, I dunno, James Bond’s face? This is a photo which could be from almost any type of film, nothing screams “Bond.” It’s such an odd photo to release, but, then again, it’s a still for a film almost a year away.

By looking at this photo, a part of me can’t help but to imagine the parody version of Sam Mendes‘s Bond outing, since it only features the character staring down all sad-like. Imagine Bond narrating, “My name is James Bond. This is my neighborhood. This is my street. This is my life. I’m 42 years old. In less than a year, I’ll be dead,” as a whimsical but sad Thomas Newman score abruptly plays over Bond’s snark. If the franchise character gets even an inch mopier than what we saw in Quantum of Solace, I could see it being something along those lines. Or maybe Mendes will get the franchise back on the right track, which I feel fairly confident about.

Take a look at Bond seriously debating if he should go back in the pool or not:

Skyfall opens on November 9. [Empire]

One of my most anticipated films of the year is Jeff Nichols‘ Mud. Nichols is behind one of, if not the, best films of 2011: Take Shelter. With only two pictures under his belt, he’s quickly established himself as a filmmaker to get excited about.

Earlier today Nichols was kind enough to make the time for an interview to discuss Take Shelter, for the upcoming Blu-ray release. We discussed an array of topics, and Mud was briefly covered. Nichols was hard at work in the mood swing-sounding editing room when we spoke, and although he stated he’ll have clearer answers for the movie once it comes out, the writer-director shared enough details to give us a small sense of what to expect from Mud. After talking about the love-hate relationship with editing, the joy of shooting the Mississippi river with 35mm anamorphic cameras, the no bullshit (and awesome) attitude of Sam Shepard, Nichols touched upon the themes of the film:

Shotgun Stories was about revenge and Take Shelter focused on anxiety. What would you say Mud is about, in that sense?

It’s funny because the quickest answer would be it’s about love, but all the movies are about love, so that doesn’t count. Shotgun Stories is about loving your brothers and Take Shelter‘s about loving your family. [Laughs] This film is, it’s about a lot of things. It seems, to me, this film is about mentors, and it happens to be [about] mentors in love. It’s the idea of love, romantic love, and sometimes you don’t pick the right mentors for that. Or sometimes you find the right mentor for the right time in your life. Give me a few months on that.

Are you still discovering what the film is?

Yes and no. You write it, and then think it’s one thing. Then you edit it, and there are changes involved. Inevitably it comes back around to what your original intention was, and that’s the way it’s been on my first two films. You’ve caught me in the middle of the roller coaster ride right now, and I don’t want to misspeak.

And when I asked Nichols about religious undertones of Take Shelter and Shotgun Stories, he said, although that’s absent from Mud there’s definitely a “mystical” quality to the film.

Make sure to check back in the next few weeks for our full interview with Jeff Nichols. 

While looking through most critics’ best of 2011 write-ups, I mostly kept wondering when we were going to get Quentin Tarantino‘s list. His best of 2010 rankings had some odd picks, by most standards. And, to no real surprise, his 2011 list has some… unconventional picks as well. For example, Tarantino counts The Three Musketeers and Red State amongst the best, while Oren Moverman‘s fantastic Rampart made his worst section. You gotta give the man credit, he’s unquestionably got an acquired taste and stands out.

QT’s best of 2011:

1. Midnight in Paris
2. Rise of the Planet of the Apes
3. Moneyball
4. The Skin I Live In
5. X-Men: First Class
6. Young Adult
7. Attack the Block
8. Red State
9. Warrior
10. The Artist/Our Idiot Brother (tie)
11. The Three Musketeers

QT’s Unranked Worst of 2011:

• Sucker Punch
• Potiche (Trophy Wife)
• Miral
• Insidious
• Rampart
• Straw Dogs
• Paranormal Activity 3
• Meek’s Cutoff

Tarantino also wrote up a few other categories, including “Nice Try,” “Honorable Mentions,” “Best Director,” “Best Original Screenplay,” etc. If you want to see even more interesting picks, the head over to The Quentin Tarantino Archives.

What is Movie News After Dark? It’s a nightly hand-in-hand stroll down Newsworthy Lane, with a stop at the Noteworthy Café for a bite to eat. Then we’ll head back to my place and I’ll show you my signature move, the Well-Researched Scoop (I have two sources that will confirm its quality on the record). What do you say, baby?

We begin this evening with part of a new midseason poster for The Walking Dead. Which brings to mind the question of the hour: Is anyone still exciting about this show? Sure, it has the occasional zombie and it was nice to see Glen “make a friend,” but beyond that, it’s become tired, has it not?

Marcus Nispel will direct the Hack/Slash adaptation. Yes, the man who brought us the latest incarnation of Conan the Barbarian will take a crack at Tim Seeley and Stefano Caselli’s chronicle of a young woman who dresses scantily and hunts slashers. It’s hard to know what to make of this, other than the fact that Nispel is just okay at making movies.

VideoETA when link-baiting with an article entitled Why The Dark Knight Rises is destined to fail. It’s got a bit of logic behind it, albeit twisted logic. And they’ve included a nice little chart. I love charts. I’ve grabbed the bait!

New action star Gina Carano addresses the controversy of the week: her voice being changed by Steven Soderbergh for Haywire. He had his reasons. In other news, this was not the controversy of the week, as it turns out.

Our featured art of the evening is a great find by Movies.com’s Peter Hall, who wrote about Vertigo turning The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo into a graphic novel. It’s not a bad idea, as it will sell plenty of copies. But does the world really want to read this story again again? Okay fine, with cover art like what you’ll see below, I’ll pick that up.

Our good friend Peter Hall also published an interview with Sarah Paxton of The Innkeepers that’s worth your time. I’m also told that it’s a good movie. I’d check it out, but I don’t like scary things.

Lionsgate and Summit Entertainment have merged. This, for most movie fans, will be like mixing chocolate and brussel sprouts. One studio makes crap horror movies and beats their franchise children ’til someone calls child services. The other has used its Twilight money to deliver other, great movies like The Hurt Locker, 50/50 and RED. Which sensibility will win out in the merger? Lionsgate’s CEO is already talking more Twilight. Stick a fork in this one, friends, it’s done.

Josh Trank may direct the Fantastic Four reboot. Who is Josh Trank? The guy who is directing Fox’s soon to be highly publicized action film Chronicle. We’ll see how he does when Chronicle hits theaters February 3rd, at which time we will judge him.

Writers Rob Liefeld and Scott Lobdell spilled some behind the scenes juice about a Deadpool  movie: ”I may or may have not seen some sort of test of footage that would blow your mind if you saw it and go holy crap and that’s Deadpool in costume. Katana swords, guns, shooting people’s faces off and making me laugh. And I may or may not have seen something that looks just like that. And you’ve got what would amount to the first R Rated X-Men movie. Because that script is R Rated.” Will this footage ever see the light of day? No. Are we glad it exists? Absolutely.

In other superhero news, The CW may be developing a Green Arrow show to fill its Smallville gap. This would be cool, as Green Arrow is sort of a bounty hunter of supervillains. Why not a TV show?

Pajiba chronicles 5 shows we just can’t quit, essentially nailing down the five shows I could watch over and over and over again. I’m looking at you, Seinfeld box set I’ve watched all the way through four times.

We close tonight with an exploding head montage video. Because we care:

Lots of actors have a niche they like to call home, and while it’s sometimes fun to see them stretch outside their comfort zone they often do their most relaxed and assured work with material that feels the most familiar. For Mark Wahlberg that zone is “nice guy committing criminal acts while remaining pretty damn charming.”

When he sticks to it we get fun films like Three Kings, Four Brothers, The Italian Job, Shooter and more. When he veers too widely away though we get The Happening.

Lucky for us Contraband falls into the former category of fun, lightweight films that take full advantage of Wahlberg’s physical appearance, under-utilized sense of humor and charismatic charm (that falls somewhere between a George Clooney and a Michael Shannon).

Chris Farraday (Wahlberg) is an ex-smuggler extraordinaire who’s traded the criminal life for a wife (Kate Beckinsale), two kids and small business of his own. He was once the greatest in the game, and everyone in town knows it except the police (apparently). When his wife’s younger brother Andy (Caleb Landry Jones) runs into trouble on a smuggling run the teen finds himself in debt to a diminutive, tattooed drug lord with a speech impediment named Briggs (Giovani Ribisi).

And just like like Farraday is forced back into the game if he wants to protect his family’s future.

That’s right. It’s the remake of Gone In 60 Seconds you never knew you needed!

Screenwriter Aaron Guzikowski didn’t spend too much time on plot details so I’ll spend even less, but suffice it to say Farraday throws together a swarthy crew of smugglers, goes about getting himself added to a ship’s crew in the most elaborate way possible and heads to Panama where his old connections are eager and unquestionably happy to work with him again.

The goal is to make a huge score, pay off Briggs and go about their lives, but of course things go ridiculously wrong from minute one, and Farraday is forced to think fast (or not at all) in order to stay one step ahead of failure.

To say there are plot holes and contrivances bigger than Wahlberg’s entourage would be a criminal understatement. Andy is an idiot from frame one but Farraday still brings him to Panama. An intense and substantial conflict involving the police and a well-armed gang is forgotten in the time it takes the last shell casing to fall to the ground. Briggs crosses a major line that could get him arrested and out of their hair but no one calls the cops. And as entertaining as he may be Briggs is not an imposing figure. He’s a lot of fun, but at no point does he feel like someone that Farraday or even his kids should fear.

And Roger Ebert’s Law of Economy of Characters is in full effect here too, so don’t be surprised when that one character played by a relatively known actor/actress who doesn’t seem to be doing much of anything eventually turns out to be fairly relevant.

But despite all that and to the credit of both the cast and director Baltasar Kormakur, the movie is fast-moving and casual entertainment that never bores. Wahlberg is charismatic and quite likeable as the reformed bad boy, and his love for his family is palpable especially when he’s beating the crap out of Ribisi. Speaking of whom, the nasally-voiced little guy manages to have the most fun with his role. It’s only Beckinsale who fails to stand out, but that’s due almost entirely to a character written with nothing to do aside from look concerned.

Kormakur shoots solid action scenes including a frenetic gunfight in Panama and some smaller scuffles back home in New Orleans. Just about all of them seem fairly avoidable, but the action is exciting, well framed and often suspenseful. A tense, albeit predictable, sequence towards the end even manages to make a nail-biter out of a gag that’s been absent from movies for a decade. (At least from movies I’ve seen.) The film also looks good throughout, most notably in the time spent on the ship and scurrying about in Panama City. The New Orleans scenes feel like they could have been anywhere, but that lack of geographic identity has little bearing on the lightweight fun to found here.

Contraband is a fun little movie well worth an evening out with friends, but it’s not a film destined for your DVD/Blu-ray shelf. Hell, when it hits home video in three months you may not remember you even saw it.

The Upside:  Solid action and suspenseful set-pieces; strong sense of humor; fun cast

The Downside: Heavy with contrivances and logic holes; uneven tone between actions, reactions and consequences; Beckinsale is wasted in such a small and uninteresting role

On the Side: Up up down down left right left right B A

When we first see our frowzy anti-hero, he’s alone, smoking, pacing back and forth in the men’s room of an upscale New York restaurant, rehearsing…something.  “You’re amazing, a goddess, a gift from on high.” Is it a poem? A marriage proposal? Has he finally found a love so powerful and true that it’s remedied his hitherto cankered existence? No, of course not. Later, face-to-face with the delusional woman who somehow didn’t see this coming, he finishes the thought. “You deserve the white dress and the happy ending. I’m just not the guy to give it to you.”  Hank Moody is the same man he’s been since day one—insincere, kind of a jerk, closetful of black clothes.

Season five of Californication picks up two years after the events of season four (hey, I guess the world doesn’t end in 2012). Karen (Natasha McElhone) is now married and apparently happy about it; Charlie (Evan Handler) and Marcy (Pamela Aldon) still aren’t together but have a two-year-old son (the kid hasn’t started talking yet which may or may not have something to do with the fact that both of his parents are apt to have sex in places where it’s quite easy to stumble upon them); Becca (Madeleine Martin) is in college, dating an arrogantly suave, younger version of her dad (who didn’t see that coming?); and Hank still hasn’t shaved.

After breaking up with his New York girlfriend, Hank gets news of a business opportunity back in California and decides to lay low for a while and return to L.A.—the ex-girlfriend has a key to his apartment and hell hath no fury like a 110 lb. woman scorned. But before he hops on the plane, he snaps a picture of himself in front of a bookstore display of his novel. Both Hank and this bookstore that somehow still exists are anachronisms—defiantly unaffected by the changing world.

For the past four seasons Hank’s stasis, his inability to grow or simply have some kind of significant realization that might even just slightly alter the way he saw the world, seemed more like a plot device than a character trait—if Hank is always this radical, chain smoking, commitment-phobe then this series about a radical, chain-smoking, commitment-phobe is able to continue. (Could we call the show “Californication” if Hank and Karen married and moved back to New York for good? Where’s the Cali? Where’s the fornication?) But this season, everyone else is moving forward without Hank and that contrast—inert Hank vs. the transforming collective—is actually kind of tragic and interesting.

Unfortunately, series creator Tom Kapinos has taken Hank’s “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” mantra to heart and seems to be using the adage to justify writing that isn’t as imaginative as it should be. When Hank arrives in L.A., he meets up with a rap mogul, Samurai Apocalypse (RZA). The rapper wants to act and asks Hank to write a screenplay for him. In a twist that surely surprised no one, Samurai Apocalypse’s girlfriend Kali (get it? ‘Cause this show takes place in California?), played by Meagan Good, just happens to be the same woman Hank was smooching on the plane ride back to L.A. Doesn’t this feel a lot like season one where Hank sleeps with Mia and later finds out that she just happens to be the 16-year-old daughter of Karen’s fiancé?

David Duchovny is Californication’s saving grace. Even when you can spot a plot twist a mile a way (though it made absolutely no sense, didn’t you just know that Hank’s ex was going to burn down his apartment?), Duchovny—the man, the myth, the monotone—is at least fun to watch. Hank Moody wrote a book called God Hates Us All, he says things like “thanks, homes, much appreesh,” his last name is Moody. Duchovny’s perfect, acerbic delivery makes all of this seem ironic and therefore bearable.

There’s always more Channel Guide

It’s the year of Lizzy Caplan. Such a bold proclamation is based entirely on the fact that the Party Down and Mean Girls star has two films world premiering at this year’s Sundance Film Festival, an exciting feat for any actress, but doubly so for an up-and-coming comedic gem like Caplan whose two lady-centric films are bowing in a post-Bridesmaids world.

Last year’s big it-girls, Elizabeth Olsen and Brit Marling, faced a somewhat similar situation – both came to the festival with two films to hype (Olsen had Martha Marcy May Marlene and Silent House, Marling turned up with Sound of My Voice and Another Earth). But even Olsen and Marling didn’t have the same challenge Caplan has to deal with this year when it comes to her work in Save the Date and Bachelorette - two films, two starring roles, two projects both about weddings. Madness! How the heck will we ever tell these two films apart?

Well, with this handy comparison of every relevant bit of information (and even some not-so-relevant bits) on each film, we will. Consider them Lizzy Caplan Sundance Film Festival Flash Cards. Study up and get your best wedding outfit/snowsuit prepped (hint: use fur).

Save the Date

Director: Michael Mohan

Writers: Jeffrey Brown, Egan Reich, Michael Mohan

Cast: Lizzy Caplan, Alison Brie, Martin Starr, Geoffrey Arend, Mark Webber

Official Sundance plot: “Sarah finds herself caught in an intense postbreakup rebound with new infatuation Jonathan after tragically breaking the heart of rocker Kevin. Always one to give Sarah life advice is her sister Beth, who is diligently planning her upcoming wedding to apprehensive fiancé Andrew. Both sisters fumble through the bumpy emotional landscape of modern-day relationships, forced to relearn how to love and be loved. Filmmaker Michael Mohan returns to the Sundance Film Festival—he made his feature debut with One Too Many Mornings in NEXT in 2010. From a screenplay he wrote with famed graphic novelist Jeffrey Brown and cowriter Egan Reich, this bittersweet story about the trials of maturing love carefully balances intimate moments of pain and happiness. Delicately captured by cinematographer Elisha Christian, with standout lead performances by Lizzy Caplan and Alison Brie, Save the Date charms anyone lost in his or her own state of love.”

Key buzz words: “Tragically breaking the heart of rocker,” “bumpy emotional landscape,” “relearn how to love and be loved,” “bitterwsweet story,” “intimate moments,” “delicately captured.”

Caplan’s role: Sexy Sarah, the rebound queen!

Caplan’s look: Sockless.

Love interests: Sadsack Kevin (Arend) and consuming hottie Jonathan (Webber).

Other possible break-out brides and grooms: Brie and Starr as the soon-to-be-wed Beth and Andrew.

Odds of illicit substances playing a role: Someone will definitely get drunk and say something horrible to another character – probably at the wedding reception.

Animals: At least one (scandalized) cat.

Sundance cred: Mohan has already been to Sundance with One Too Many Mornings and EX-SEX.

Chances of morning-after-boozy-reception regret: Low, as I suspect that everything will come to a (satisfying) resolution after said drunk outburst.

Chance of lasting till death do us part (or, at least, past the fest): Medium. A beloved indie cast will give this one legs enough to get picked for a limited theatrical release. Magnolia, you into this?

If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it: Put me down for an “I do” on this one.

Official Sundance site for Save the Date

Bachelorette

Director: Leslye Headland

Writer: Leslye Headland

Cast: Kirsten Dunst, Isla Fisher, Lizzy Caplan, James Marsden, Adam Scott, Kyle Bornheimer

Official Sundance plot: “Regan is used to being first at everything. Imagine her horror and chagrin when she finds out the girl everyone called Pig Face in high school is going to tie the knot before she does! But Regan sucks it up and takes on bridesmaid duties along with her childhood pals: substance-abusing, promiscuous Gena and ditzy Katie. The single ladies are determined to put their bitterness aside and have an awesomely hedonistic bachelorette party. Armed with acerbic wit and seemingly endless supplies of coke and booze, the foul-mouthed femmes embark on one very long and emotional night filled with major wedding-dress panic, various bodily fluids, and cute ex-boyfriends. Kirsten Dunst is consistently funny leading the talented cast, which includes the delightful scene stealer, Rebel Wilson, who plays Becky, a.k.a. Pig Face. Adding to the tradition of successful bridal comedies, this debut feature by writer/director Leslye Headland is a sassy and sometimes romantic ride that never forgets to celebrate the complexities of female friendship.”

Key buzz words: “substance-abusing,” “awesomely hedonistic,” “acerbic wit,” “emotional,” “various bodily fluids,” “sassy.”

Caplan’s role: Promiscuous Gena! (Is this a trend?)

Caplan’s look: Worried and garbage bag-toting.

Love interests: Pure speculation – Adam Scott.

Other possible break-out brides and grooms: Dunst as leading lady, Marsden as leading man, Wilson as scene-stealer (frozen peas?).

Odds of illicit substances playing a role: Coke and booze, obviously.

Animals: Sewer rats or rabid dogs.

Sundance cred: While Bachelorette may sound a bit too mainstream for Sundance, it does feature talents like Scott and Caplan (duh) who have played the fest before and will pull in audiences. Also? It’s produced by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, so it will likely have one of the most “Hollywood” bows of the fest.

Chances of morning-after-boozy-reception regret: What, do you really think they’re going to make it to the wedding?

Chance of lasting till death do us part (or, at least, past the fest): High, as this one already looks ready for a big release. It just needs a studio to snatch it and get going on marketing. Sony?

If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it: You had me at “substance-abusing”! I do!!

Official Sundance site for Bachelorette

Funnily enough, not only will I be seeing and reviewing both Bachelorette and Save the Date, I’m set to take them both in on the same day. Cue battle royale! But which Caplan-starring Sundancer sounds better to you? Which one do you think I’ll like the most?

Snuggle up with the rest of our Sundance 2012 coverage

You know what sort of movie you’ve gotten with Joyful Noise long before Dolly Parton announces, apropos of nothing, that “I know what to do, yodel lee hee hoo.” You’ve already seen Parton grab spaghetti off a diner’s plate and throw it in co-star Queen Latifah’s face. You’ve seen Keke Palmer lead a rousing gospel choir rendition of “Man in the Mirror.” You’ve experienced the ups and downs of the wild, inconsistent shifts in tone and the perils of Todd Graff’s loose-limbed direction. But that unprompted half-a-yodel is a litmus test. Perhaps you’ve bought into the schlock Graff is slinging, shut off your mental faculties and embraced the Latifah-Parton show, in which case it’s just Dolly being Dolly. Alternatively, that avalanche of vomit that’s been amassing inside your throat with each inane, lazy moment finally finds its way onto the floor.

I found myself somewhere between the two extremes throughout this exceptionally mediocre film, which only benefits from the fact that it’s never boring. The story of a small-town gospel choir prepping for a singing competition is singularly uninteresting, even if things pick up when they perform their pop covers (Usher and the Beatles are among those victimized alongside Michael Jackson).

Yet once you’ve accepted that Joyful Noise is not actually worth seeing, its spirit keeps things afloat. The filmmaker and his cast clearly have no idea that they’re making a comedy, so the movie is filled with the painstaking earnestness of a bad film made with the best of intentions. There are so many great examples of this, beyond those mentioned above, that it’s hard to know where to begin.

It’s awfully hard to not, on some level, love a movie in which Latifah’s choir director Vi Rose Hill demands that her daughter Olivia (Palmer) “respect my snoring,” which makes even less sense in context. Or one that treats a character with a very mild case of Asperger’s as if he’s stricken with AIDS, constantly bemoaning his terrible life.

The screenwriting is so awkward, so poorly edited, that your jaw stays rooted to the floor from start to finish. Characters arbitrarily shift between hating and liking each other. The only consistency is that no one in the film does anything that an actual real-life human would do under a similar set of circumstances.

Then there are the bizarre narrative choices. Graff regards the sudden and unexpected death of a choir member as a fount of humor. A romance develops over the course of one conversation. We barely even see the choir preparing for their competition. There are two interminable deeply-personal, reflective ballads, sung by Latifah and Parton on that hoary cliché – the empty, darkened stage.

A halfwit underdog story that never establishes the stakes, pays lip service to the economic struggles within the small-town setting and offers a heavy dose of ill-fitting, broadly telegraphed dramatics, Joyful Noise should be much less tolerable than it is. But if you should find yourself trapped at this diva show and are willing to give in to its heightened stupidity, you’ll get your money’s worth in a perverse sort of way.

The Upside: Unintentional hilarity. Lots of it.

The Downside: Lazy storytelling, terrible acting and inexplicably inconsistent characters, among many other problems.

On the Side: Some critics have wondered if Dolly Parton’s plastic surgery is a major problem when it comes to taking the movie seriously, which is sort of like wondering if a leaky drain was the problem on the Titanic, if you catch my drift.

Tonight is the 2012 Golden Globes Awards Ceremony Thingy! We all know that in the grand scheme of things these accolades mean absolutely nothing (aside from the fact that the Hollywood Foreign Press Association loves hanging with the stars), but they’re still fun conversation starters and occasionally hint at who and what will win an Oscar.

With that enthusiasm in mind, let’s get to the winners! In bold below! With the word ‘winner’ beside it!

Best Picture Drama

The Descendants – WINNER!
The Help
Hugo
The Ides of March
Moneyball
War Horse

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama

With the entire original run of The Twilight Zone available to watch instantly, we’re partnering with Twitch Film to cover all of the show’s 156 episodes. Are you brave enough to watch them all with us?

The Twilight Zone (Episode #138): “Black Leather Jackets” (airdate 1/31/64)

The Plot: A trio of bikers in black leather arrive in a small town, and their neighbor suspects they’re up to some no good shenanigans.

The Goods: The tranquility of a small, suburban street is shattered by the loud throttling of three motorcycles that come rolling into view to park in front of a singular home. Their new home. The three riders are clad all in black leather, come complete with scary gang names (Fred, Scott and Steve) and are accompanied by their own jazzy score. They’re a nightmare for family man Stu Tillman (Denver Pyle) for more reasons than one.

Stu’s daughter, Ellen (Shelley Fabares), has fallen madly in love with the ruffian named Scott (Lee Kinsolving).

Oh, and the trio may just be aliens bent on destroying mankind.

“They’re a stupid race as our research told us. An inferior breed given to killing, hatred, making war, greed and cruelty to one another. The universe can well do without them.”

The three monotone bikers set up shop in the basement of their otherwise empty house and use electronic gear to communicate with someone who’s standing way too close to the camera. All we see is a single eye looking back at the trio. Stu gets suspicious when a big, new fandangled antenna gets erected on their house and his TV loses reception of both channels he gets. But when he confronts them they bully him about before glamoring him so he forgets the exchange. But not even mind control can stop a father’s protective nature towards his daughter, and when Ellen’s five day love affair with Scott leads to some shocking revelations Stu calls the authorities.

Of course no one believes Scott’s claim that they’re alien bikers planning to poison the town’s water supply with bacteria and that other intergalactic wild ones are doing the same across the country. The Tillmans don’t buy Scott’s claims because they sound crazy. The deputy doesn’t believe them because he’s in on it. Dun dun dun!

Aliens working to wipe out humanity is nothing new for The Twilight Zone, but this is the only one (that I can recall) where the plan is so specific, realistic and definite. There’s no witty twist about cookbooks or not so subtle jabs at mankind’s appetite for self destruction here. These studly aliens simply plan to kill off every last man, woman and child through the very effective means of poisoning the water. It’s a frightening concept dressed up in black leather, and it’s a concern that could easily be moved to the present day. Sans black leather.

But while the episode moves from goofy to threatening quite quickly it drops the ball in the final minutes when it comes time for an ending. Because it doesn’t have one. The show simply stops with the family unaware that they’re about to be killed along with every other person on the planet. There’s no plan to fight back, no awareness at all in fact, and no real lesson passed on to viewers either. It’s an odd ending for the episode and severely lacking in satisfaction.

Two quick additional issues. First, when Scott is trying to convince his cohorts not to destroy humanity he tells them that not all humans are bad and given to war and hatred. “They learn love from their god and teach it to their children,” he says. It’s meant to make people look good, but it actually strengthens the argument against destroying us. Mankind makes life decisions based on what they learn from an imaginary creature they themselves created? This is a stupid species.

And then there’s the title of the episode. Black Leather Jackets? Talk about a severe lack of creativity. Is it a reference to people judging others by their outward appearance when what really matters is what’s inside? Or a message about the dangers of conformity? Or a subtle commentary on an impending race war? Or just something pulled from the script at the last minute and without further thought? Yeah, probably the last one.

The core idea here is a good one in that it strikes at a realistic fear in our inability to protect ourselves and those we love. Stu can’t protect his daughter, and none of them are able to protect humanity. The threat to the drinking supply feels frighteningly possible, but it loses some of its edge with the goofiness of the bikers and their magical musical accompaniment.

What do you think?

The Trivia: Denver Pyle played Uncle Jesse on The Dukes of Hazzard.

On the Next Episode: “An elderly wheelchair-bound lady receives strange anonymous phone calls overnight when she’s alone.”

Catch-Up: Episodes covered by Twitch / Episodes covered by FSR

We’re running through all 156 of the original Twilight Zone episodes over the next several weeks, and we won’t be doing it alone! Our friends at Twitchwill be entering the Zone as well on alternating weeks. So definitely tune in over at Twitch and feel free to also follow along on our Twitter accounts @twitchfilm and @rejectnation.

With the entire original run of The Twilight Zone available to watch instantly, we’re partnering with Twitch Film to cover all of the show’s 156 episodes. Are you brave enough to watch them all with us?

The Twilight Zone (Episode #139): “Night Call” (airdate 2/07/64)

The Plot: An old biddy is perturbed by an escalating series of phone calls in the middle of the night.

The Goods: A creepy old house, a storm cracking apart the sky outside, and an old woman asleep in her bed. Suddenly the phone rings and Miss Elva Keene (Gladys Cooper) is awakened from a troubled sleep. She answers it and hears only silence at first, but soon an indistinguishable voice begins to arise faintly from the distorted reception. Elva complains to the operator the next day, but nothing comes of it and the following night is once again disturbed with a phone call.

Someone’s calling Miss Elva, and he’s calling from a very long distance indeed.

“Where are you? I want to talk to you.”

Elva begins to quickly go nuts as the calls continue and the voice grows ever more eerie, and the situation isn’t helped by her disability that keeps her cooped up at home most days and nights. The stress of the calls even eat away at her problem-solving abilities as evidenced by the trouble she has simply unplugging the phone. Meaning she doesn’t even think of it, and instead takes it off the hook then goes nuts listening to the dial tone.

The calls continue, and Elva ends one by telling the man on the other end to leave her alone, but the next day the operator finally follows through with useful information and traces the source of the calls to an address. But when Elva and her housekeeper drive out to the location they’re shocked to discover it’s a cemetery!

And a downed phone line has fallen across a grave!

And that grave belongs to Elva’s long dead fiance, Brian!

It seems Brian died decades ago in an accident after Elva convinced him to let her drive his car. She lost control while reaching for her compact as women drivers are prone to do, and the car slammed into a tree. Brian went through the windshield and was cut to ribbons while Elva lost the use of her legs. Instead of being creeped out by this revelation though Elva is instead ecstatic. She’s lonely and has never stopped loving Brian, but when she stays up awaiting another phone call she instead hears only disappointment.

Brian’s downfall was that he always let Elva ride roughshod over him and tell him what to do, so when she screamed into the phone that he should leave her alone he listened. Her one last chance at companionship came from beyond the grave, and she killed it yet again.

This episode features some genuinely creepy bits including the voice and the play of shadows across Elva’s bedroom, and the graveyard revelation is a phone one even if it is a bit goofy. (Why isn’t the phone company fixing the downed line? How is the dead man dialing? How does he answer when she calls him back? And if he always does what she demands why doesn’t he come back when she tells him to stay?) As with TZ’s last episode though it’s the ending that fails it.

Richard Matheson’s original short story (“Long Distance Call”) ended completely differently and went for the horrific ending rather than the emotional one. His tale never reveals the identity of the caller, only the fact that the calls are originating from a downed line at the cemetery. The final call features the voice saying that he’ll “be right over.”

The adaptation adds in the lost fiance subplot, and while that’s interesting it fails to achieve the amount of emotional punch that’s intended. It would have been better served by letting Elva have this small joy in her own final days. Maybe let her continue these late night conversations long after the line’s been repaired, and let the viewer decide whether she’s simply lost in dementia or actually communicating with a lost love.

What do you think?

The Trivia: Gladys Cooper is my Grandma’s name.

On the Next Episode: “A computer programmer has his life upset when the supercomputer he works with falls in love with him.”

Catch-Up: Episodes covered by Twitch / Episodes covered by FSR

We’re running through all 156 of the original Twilight Zone episodes over the next several weeks, and we won’t be doing it alone! Our friends at Twitch will be entering the Zone as well on alternating weeks. So definitely tune in over at Twitch and feel free to also follow along on our Twitter accounts @twitchfilm and @rejectnation.