As we approach Valentine’s Day (yes, it’s just a few days away) I think it’s only fitting that the topic of romance come into play in anticipation of the day meant to celebrate all things feelings. I’m not sure about you, but I have actually never celebrated Valentine’s Day with a loved one not related to me. Instead I spend the day (or week) loading up on conversational hearts, Reese Peanut Butter cups, and a collection of melodramas so depressing I become skeptical that love can actually end in anything but death. Regardless of my tendency to eat my feelings while crying over the tragic love found in Douglas Sirk films, I do enjoy happy love stories and tend to pair the sadder movies with some of my must-have romances. In honor of the big V-Day, I’d like to share my favorite 14 romantic scenes and also open it up the floor to hear your suggestions as well.

Here are my concluding seven romantic scenes to last week’s first half of this list. Bring out the smelling salts; you might need them after all these swoons.

7. The Princess Bride

“Is this a kissing book?” Um, yes young Fred Savage, it is indeed a kissing book. Well, I mean, there is more to The Princess Bride than kissing (like action, adventure, Andre the Giant. You get the picture.), but what most people remember so vividly from The Princess Bride is the everlasting love between Buttercup (Robin Wright) and her farm boy, Westley (Carey Elwes). After the young couple finally professes their feelings, Westley chooses to head to sea to make his fortune. He promises to return to his Buttercup, but is tragically lost before he can fulfill this last wish. Years go by, Buttercup tries to make her sad heart feel again, but no amount of wishing can help her. Despite her broken heart and headstrong resistance to love, Buttercup agrees to marry Prince Humperdinck (Chris Sarandon) to help save her tiny village from destitution. Before she sets out, however, she is kidnapped by a shady pirate determined to keep her from marrying the Prince. Turns out (as you can see above) the shady pirate is actually her long lost Wesley who has never stopped, even for one moment, loving his darling Buttercup. Just as she wished.

6. An Officer and a Gentleman

While there are so many iconic romantic moments we could have highlighted here, such as the boombox scene in Say Anything or Rhett Butler (Clark Gable) scooping up Scarlet O’Hara (Vivien Leigh) and storming up the stairs to ravage her (rape-fantasy much?) in Gone With the Wind, I find a completely different sweeping a lady off her feet scene even more sensual than anything Golden Hollywood could muster. As far as classic love images go, nothing can beat the final moments of An Officer and A Gentleman when recent Naval Officer graduate (and all-around Mayor of Charmville) Zack Mayo (Richard Gere) honors his lady love Paula (Debra Winger), the woman who helped him get through the arduous emotional drain that is Flight School, by marching into her factory, passionately kissing her, and finally picking her up in his brawny arms and determinedly walking right on out of there. You don’t even have to know anything else about the film to know that this scene perfectly wraps up the hardships both halves of the couple had to go through to get this happy ending.

5. North & South

I have a little secret for all you Downton Abbey fanatics. Stop what you are doing right now (well, first finish reading this list) and add North & South (the one with the ampersand, not the one starring Patrick Swayze) to your Instant Queue. This 2004 BBC adaptation of the Elizabeth Gaskell novel by the same name is the ultimate in dizzy-spell inducing romances. The star-crossed lovers Margaret Hale (Daniela Denby-Ashe) and John Thornton (Richard Armitage) meet-smoldery at Thornton’s factory and spend four hours battling their personal feelings and inner demons. This is some delicious period acting, my friends. I’m fanning myself just thinking about it, honestly.

Well, as you can imagine with all this smolder and emotional control it certainly comes as a surprise to Margaret (not us though, we’ve been taking bets!) when Thornton proposes marriage halfway through the film. She refuses him in the most brutal way, choosing to point out his flaws and inconsideration to the workers in his own factory. He falters, almost begging for Margaret to listen to reason, but finally takes one final look at her with sad, puppy eyes and walks away. Taking with him every viewer’s held breath. Oh Thornton, you are just too heartbreaking for your own good.

4. You’ve Got Mail

I think almost every romance lover reading this has spent at least one weekend a month watching the edited for TV version of You’ve Got Mail, guaranteeing the 1998 romantic comedy a place on the guilty pleasure shelf. A charming time capsule to a generation when online dating was still exciting and not completely dominated by investment bankers, horny misanthropes, or creepers, the love affair between Joe Fox (Tom Hanks) and Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) blossoms naturally with the aid of email and instant messaging. Joe has kept a huge secret from Kathleen, that he is the anonymous man she’s been falling steadily in love with throughout the film, but right before they part ways for the online couple to finally meet he lets her know just how much he wishes she could love him. Joe recognizes the pain he caused her, chooses to accept blame, and now wants to share with Kathleen an imaginary world where the two of them could have been perfectly happy, leaving Kathleen much to think about as she waits in the Riverside park for her true prince’s identity to be revealed.

What is Movie News After Dark? It’s a nightly movie and entertainment news column that brings you all the stuff you should be reading that hasn’t already been published on Film School Rejects. We admit that we’re honored to be an inspiration to every person, writer and sentient being mentioned in the links below, and would like to pay them back with a link. Also, it’s a column whose author is going on vacation for a week starting tomorrow, so you’ll be seeing some fresh faces pinch-hitting over the next week. It’s likely that they will do a much better job, but lets not tell them that. We’re already having problems with their egos, as it is.

We begin this evening with an image Tweeted by Chris Hardwick, king of the Nerdist empire. It’s a preview from his appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, in which he will assuredly be pimping his new book, hitting on Zooey Deschanel (because who wouldn’t) and talking about nerdy things with another nerdy famous person. If Questlove plays the drums with lightsabers, I’m in.

Fox has announced that the current and eighth season of House will be the show’s last. It’s a sad thing, sure. But eight seasons is a good run and as a statement from the studio shows, the timing is right: “The producers have always imagined House as an enigmatic creature; he should never be the last one to leave the party. How much better to disappear before the music stops, while there is still some promise and mystique in the air.”

We Love Cult has a great interview with Kevin Smith about his show Comic Book Men on AMC. The filmmaker turned multi-platform magnate does give good interview, I’ll tell you that, Steve Dave.

Speaking of places where both Chris Hardwick and Kevin Smith will be found, this year’s San Diego Comic-Con will open with a 136-mile Olympics-style lightsaber relay. This is a terrible idea, if only that it increases the Con’s population of large, sweaty, heaving bearded men. That’s a stereotype we should be moving away from. How about opening with a couch-sitting relay?

Vulture wants you to be prepared for the March 25th return of Mad Men. To aid you, they’ve published a step-by-step guide to catching up on Mad Men that can be completed between now and then. If you started yesterday, that is.

We focus our art-loving eyes this evening on the first poster for The Bourne Legacy, featuring Jeremy Renner about to do something very intense with a gun. It wasn’t until the recently released trailer that I realized that the cast for the Tony Gilroy directed franchise extension is incredible. Ed Norton and Rachel Weisz along with an ass-kicking Renner? Screw the traditional stigma that goes along with fourth films, this one is going to be awesome.

The folks at Popular Mechanics have published a brilliant list of 12 Ways the World Could (Really) End in 2012. Does this have anything to do with movies? Yes. It shows you how close, yet also how far off Hollywood’s interpretation of the apocalypse has been in recent years. Unless Roland Emmerich is working on a movie about Geomagnetic Reversal.

The ever-brilliant Grantland blog has an essay by Robery Mays about his Excellent Dumpuary Adventure, in which he sat in a theater for 48 hours watching everything that a Hollywood multiplex had to offer. From One for the Money to Chipwrecked to Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol, it’s quite a fun read.

Rick Marshall at IFC provides us a list of five Hammer Films-produced horror movies everyone should see. Not just people who like horror movies. Not just the kind of people who like Hammer’s very distinct brand of horror movies. Not just chubby dudes in graphic tees and beards. Everyone. That includes you.

In a week, I will be talking to director Andrew Stanton about John Carter. My first question: Who’s decision was it to make 2012 the year of Taylor Kitsch? Not that it’s a bad thing. It’s just definitely a thing.

IFC’s Matt Singer — a guest on this past week’s episode of Reject Radio — writes about the rise of the film critic filmmaker. Those precious few who dare to write about film, then jump in and make films. Bless them, for they live hard lives on both sides of the tracks.

In today’s most deliciously nerdy article on the movie blogosphere, io9 gets composer Bear McCreary to reveal the physics behind your favorite science fiction theme tunes. It’s super engrossing. Dangerously so.

Marc Webb explains the work behind The Lizard in The Amazing Spider-Man: “We spent a lot of time thinking about the biology of a lizard, and how his muscles work, and there’s an entire staff of people dedicated to making him look lifelike. It is an extraordinary task, and very, very difficult. It takes a lot of time, which a lot of people in this room can attest to.”

Flavorwire presents a list of essential Tumblrs for film fans. Sadly, mine is not on there. How dare they!

Over at StarTrek.com, freelancer extraordinaire Jordan Hoffman has a wonderful essay about the doctors of Star Trek and their many idiosyncrasies. That Leonard McCoy will always be the greatest of them.

We close tonight with a trailer from the lineup of SXSW 2012. Our good friend Peter Hall at Movies.com has assembled what he believes to be the Ultimate 2012 South by Southwest Film Festival Trailers Page, bringing together every trailer currently available online. It’s quite the project, and one that I will reward with a link. Also, please indulge me in watching the trailer for Somebody Up There Likes Me, a SXSW premiere that features the acting talents of Nick Offerman, who isn’t quite Ron Swanson-esque, but he still appears to be bringing his bacon-infused A-game.

Writer-director Oren Moverman’s terrific feature debut, The Messenger, was about trying not to deal with grief, while his character-driven “cop” drama, Rampart, is about attempting to not deal with everything. The lead of the film, Dave Brown, rejects change in a major time of change. Despite Moverman using his latest film to track a far more morally corrupted character than he previously dealt with in Messenger, he still shows the same measure of empathy, making Rampart a fascinating character study.

The film follows Woody Harrelson‘s Dave Brown, as he confronts both a new time and a new way of life. Brown, a former soldier who sees himself as something of a man’s man, is unwilling to get with the times. With the true-life Rampart scandals serving as motivation, the LAPD is making major changes – ones that Brown won’t (or can’t) go along with. The cop is a sickly, paranoia-driven enigma who (forgive the cheesy as all hell expression) plays by his own nonexistent rules. Dave is stubborn, racist, fearful, and believes that he’s someone important enough to be spied on. He’s a real bastard.

Harrelson, in a tremendous performance, makes one feel something for this narcissistic bastard, though. The character’s pain and fears are easily grasped and understood. The only part of Brown’s life that he doesn’t think is in ruins is his family, which he couldn’t be more wrong about. Everything Dave touches turns to turmoil. He causes physical pain with his work and emotional pain with his family. Whether Dave knows he’s a terrible cop is unknown, but he doesn’t know he’s a bad father. He wants to keep his two lives separate, but they’re both in the same state. How both his family and work life got to that place of damage is left unanswered, as well are most of the questions the film poses.

Even stylistically Moverman always allows the camera to reflect Dave Brown’s state of mind, albeit to varying effects. With the possible exception of one scene, the camera is never on a tripod, is always on the move, and even the color palette is as overbearing as Brown. When the camera isn’t up close and abrasive, it’s at a far distance, representing Dave’s paranoia. While Moverman was more observant with The Messenger, the director took a more aggressive and dirty approach to capturing Brown, and sometimes that style becomes too apparent. However, even when some Moverman’s camerawork doesn’t hit the mark, at least he’s always taking admirable chances.

I’ve seen Rampart three times now, and it’s a film that gets progressively richer. The first viewing made me have admiration for Moverman’s intentions, while not being all-around satisfied. But it wasn’t until my third viewing where I was completely sucked into the filmmaker’s very flawed, but powerful portrait of a seriously damaged, both internally and externally, man.

The Upside: Woody Harrelson gives a tremendous performance; Moverman doesn’t use any trite genre conventions; many questions are thankfully left answered; a memorably atmospheric score; delivers an emotional and thought-provoking punch.

The Downside: Some of the camerawork, which generally paints Dave’s view of the world perfectly, calls attention to itself once or twice.

On The Side: Dave Brown is not the most corrupt cop you’ll ever see, but he’s unquestionably one of the most human.

Madonna’s second directorial effort W.E. has been greeted by a torrent of negativity, with critics assailing her revisionist portrait of the illicit romance between King Edward VIII and the American divorcée Wallis Simpson to the tune of a 14% on the all-powerful Tomatometer. If it’s not quite the unholy mess that the reviews have promised, there’s no question that this is a sloppy, hubristic affair. It looks pretty, with style and eloquence to spare, but it’s perilously over-directed. Apparently the Material Girl never met a random cross-cut, outsized camera movement, or other unneeded flourish that she didn’t like.

That penchant for pristine visuals at any cost is just part of what detracts from the terrific performance by Andrea Riseborough as Simpson, which could have provided the core of a great picture. The British actress has beauty and intelligence to spare, the sort of charismatic movie star screen presence that carries you through the slowest moments. You want to watch her. Unfortunately, Madonna only lets you do so for half of the movie’s rather trying two hours. The rest of the time, we’re stuck with an unnecessary 1998-set corollary to the 1930s-set main action. There, lonely American Wally Winthrop (Abbie Cornish) obsesses over Wallis and Edward, spending all her time at a Sotheby’s auction of their estate.

So we are treated to endless scenes in which Cornish stands still with her eyes shut tied to a tame romance between Wally and security guard Evgeni (Oscar Isaac) and a lot of stupefying ruminations on the broader meaning of the Edward-Simpson romance. The contemporary stuff is so superfluous, and does so little to enhance the meat of the picture, that one wonders if Madonna (who co-wrote the screenplay) intended it as some sort of self-reflexive portrait of her own interest in the real narrative. Otherwise, it’s just pure filler.

The story of the relationship of Edward (James D’Arcy) and Wallis, which spurred a crisis in Britain because of her divorces (among other reasons) and eventually caused Edward’s abdication from the throne, is a fascinating, multilayered one. There’s a fine movie still to be made about it. Madonna’s simply isn’t it.

Further, the filmmaker loses ample credibility by treating her protagonists as martyrs, whitewashing Edward’s almost-certain Nazi sympathizing and other less savory traits. Madonna has compared herself to Simpson, so the unabashed admiration makes sense, but let’s be honest here: Framing a woman who’s most notable for getting married three times as some sort of misunderstood feminist icon is a big stretch.

The Upside: Andrea Riseborough is great and the movie is filled with sumptuous, refined visuals.

The Downside: The 1998-set scenes are completely unnecessary and Madonna over-directs, adding a wealth of superfluous flourishes such as unneeded pans, aggressive camera movements, slow motion and more over-stylized touches. Further, the film stretches credibility in its treatment of the historical characters.

On the Side: The King’s Speech offers a more effectively crafted, honest-seeming treatment of the same events.

Leo (Channing Tatum) and Paige (Rachel McAdams), in many ways, have the ideal life. They are hopelessly in love, happily married, and living in an urban, pseudo-bohemian hipster paradise. She’s an artist, and he runs his own recording studio. One romantically snowy night, the two share a moment in a parked car…an ill-advised decision. A truck plows into them and sends Paige into a coma. When she awakes, she finds her anxiety-riddled husband sitting at her bedside. The trouble is that she can’t remember that they are married or even who he is at all. She is suffering from a severe form of retrograde amnesia in which she can only remember events up the point shortly before she moved to the big city and met Leo. Suddenly her parents, with whom she hadn’t spoken during the course of her relationship with Leo, show up, insisting to take her back home. Leo hopes against hope that his wife will regain her memory of him, their love, and their life together before it all disappears for good.

No critic should ever close his mind to any film simply on the principle that it resides outside of their particular tastes. However, in the interest of full disclosure, romance films (of both the r0m-com and rom-dram varieties) are far from my preferred genre. What tends to balance the scales of objectivity is that I recognize my bias and endeavor to therefore cut these films an added measure of slack as a result.  All I really ask is that the film to at least earnestly attempt to connect with me emotionally without pandering to my tear ducts. For most of its run, Michael Sucsy‘s The Vow did exactly what I asked of it. It was surprisingly heartfelt and emotionally weighty…before it slowly remembered it was a Hollywood rom-dram and reverted to the woeful tropes there contained.

Essentially what The Vow does is to take Michel Gondry’s Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and run it through the studio machine in order to unburden it of much of its complexity. However, it does find a kernel of undeniable sincerity in its stripped down, slightly rearranged form. Instead of a film about two people at the end of a cancerous relationship that started off well willingly removing the memory of said relationship from their consciousness (a la Eternal Sunshine), we get the  arguably more tragic depiction of a blossoming, almost unnaturally strong relationship besieged by cruel fate. It doesn’t force you to digest the more complex questions about the nature of love and predestination, but it does present one very tragic story, based on actual events, that plays like a love-sick version of the tale of Job.

Tatum plays a man experiencing his own personal hell. He’s had the great fortune of finding a true love that completely defines and fulfills him only to have it ripped away from him. Every day he has to try to convince his own wife that she, at one time, loved him all the while existing with a woman who now sees him as a stranger and avoids his touch at every turn. He tries every trigger he can think of, recreating every previously endearing facet of their relationship, in the hopes that the haze will lift and she will be the woman he married again. He has to watch helplessly as she is emotionally manipulated by her parents who are using her amnesia as an opportunity to gloss over the incident that made her come to the city in the first place. And through all of it, he must reconcile his desperation and pain with the fact that this is not her fault and that he must be supportive.

My heart ached for this guy, and much of the credit for that emotional resonance is due to Tatum himself. I can’t say this guy has ever ranked among my favorite actors, or even among actors I particularly enjoy, but I was thoroughly impressed with him in The Vow. He occupies the role with such quiet agony and genuine passion. He manages to sell us on his everyday Joe persona, despite the numerous superfluous shots of his Ken doll abdomen, and yet he displays a disciplined actor’s understanding of goals and expectations, navigating the various levels of the role with great skill. He sits in every emotionally vital moment and fights for every inch of ground he gains with his amnesic beloved. It may just because I am also happily married, and the thought of my wife forgetting me entirely is too much for me to bear, but it crushed me to watch him clutch desperately to his feelings for her even as they ravaged him inside.

Where the movie started to lose me however, and where I feel much of its potential is squandered, is in McAdams’ character. I completely understand that someone suffering from a memory loss such as hers would be living in their own nightmarish situation, constantly confused and even frightened of the foreign people, places, and routines that used to define who they were. I get that this story is as emotionally decimating for her as it is for him. What I don’t understand is why she actively resists Tatum as if he were some sort of troll. They work into the script that she used to be an entirely different person before she met him, and before a certain event changed her perception of her family and her own identity. But until we find out what that event is, we are left with the staggering, black-and-white personality about-face which she seems all too happy to embrace. It makes us wonder how one event could have made her voluntarily leave this life in the first place and whether the car accident at the beginning of the film was the first she had survived. Her grasp of her own self-concept seems so tenuous that we wonder how long it would have been before she had simply lost interest in Leo and forgot about him even without the accident. I mean for crying out loud, she is afraid to go into her own art studio, to acknowledge that could have ever wanted to be an artist at any point in her life. She seems so disgusted by everything to which she used to be attracted as a result of only losing four years of her memory that it muddies the character.

I could have, however, forgiven this issue of character definition if that were The Vow‘s only problem. But as the film moves into its final two acts, all the popular conventions start cropping up like weeds in a garden. There is a love triangle involving Paige’s ex-fiance, there is a scene of Leo playing the guitar to show he’s sad and one of him taking in a stray cat to show that he’s lonely, and there is the pointed condemnation of the upper-class (rich guys = jerks). None of these things feel especially well-earned, in particular the “softer side of Leo” moments which only reiterated what Tatum’s performance had already clearly communicated. Not only that, but we’d also gotten a ham-fisted voice-over narration at the beginning, and again at the end, spelling out exactly how we should be feeling about what we were already seeing on screen. It’s something I really hate in movies of all genres; thanks Mr. Screenwriter, but I don’t need emotional subtitling.

***SPOILER ALERT***

But the worst contrivance is the plot device about the menus on which the couple wrote their titular vows; the reading of which finally makes Paige realize she really did love her husband once. Never mind the mountains of evidence in support of that hypothesis littering the film. The vows are written on the menu for a place called, and I shit you not, Cafe Mnemonic. Yup, as in Cafe Thing That Helps You Remember Stuff. Forget the fact that it’s a terrible, terrible name for an actual cafe, unless the owner were a die-hard Keanu Reeves fan, it’s a plot device so convenient it should be open 24/7 and offer unleaded as well as diesel.

***END SPOILER***

The Upside: All in all, The Vow is a decent rom-dram that could have been exceptional if not for its reliance on convention and weak story elements. Tatum gives one of the best performances of his career, which is not a sentence I expected to write.

The Downside: It shoots itself in the foot with overbearing super-text and uncomfortably familiar tropes.

On the Side: The woman on which this story is based never regained her memory, but remained with her husband.

If Hollywood has taught us anything about the CIA it’s that those bastards really can’t be trusted. The exception to the rule is that the lower the character is on the agency’s totem pole the more honorable and good they’ll most likely be. They’re naive idealists who have yet to be molded by the big, bad world into heartless, morally bankrupt pricks motivated by warped patriotism and self interest.

Which brings us to Matt Weston (Ryan Reynolds), a low level agent stationed at the same, boring post for the last twelve months. He’s a “housekeeper” at a safe house in Cape Town, South Africa, and every day he waits for a coded call alerting him to the imminent arrival of an incoming “guest.” The call finally comes when Tobin Frost (Denzel Washington) mysteriously turns himself into the local US embassy after a decade on the run as an ex-agent turned traitor and killer. He’s moved to the safe house and immediately interrogated via water-boarding and harsh language.

But when the inaccurately named safe house is attacked by a gaggle of heavily armed men Weston finds himself tasked with his guest’s safety and on the run from killers both foreign and domestic. The result is a film that offers no surprises in its story or character arcs but still manages to thrill with some stellar action sequences and two talented and charismatic leads. (That’s right. Two.)

“I like this, you and me figuring shit out. Like the Hardy Boys.”

Safe House introduces its two main characters nicely and offers a glimpse into their respective worlds before they collide, but it’s from that point forward that David Guggenheim‘s script loses much of its luster. Weston’s driven to prove himself to superiors who doubt he can handle the situation, but what are the odds he’ll succeed? Frost is trying to escape his captor and pursuers, but is he really as bad as we’ve been led to believe? And who is the real traitor(s) at the CIA? If you still don’t know more than ten minutes after Brendan Gleeson, Vera Farmiga, and Sam Shepard appear onscreen then you really need to watch more movies.

It would be worse if the story and twists were dumb and insulting, but that’s not the case here as instead they’re simply uninspired and unsurprising. There’s no effort story-wise to stand out in the genre or offer anything beyond the predictable.

Thankfully, the film has two other elements at play to make up for that lack of creativity. One is a pair of very likeable lead actors. The other is an absolutely thrilling action aesthetic.

Reynolds has found himself in a bit of a slump in recent years and unable to lock onto a role that takes advantage of both his physicality (those abs!) and comedic abilities. Most of his more memorable performances have come in smaller films like Adventureland and The Nines while attempts at action-oriented spectacle (like Green Lantern and Wolverine) have fallen flat. He proves here though that he can handle a sympathetic performance that delivers in brief dramatic scenes and humorous exchanges with Washington while at the same time being a very believable action hero.

Washington (aka “the black Dorian Gray”) meanwhile plays a role that he can almost sleepwalk through at this point. The wise, weathered, and occasionally wicked old pro who’s misunderstood and/or under-estimated by those around him…this is Washington’s most frequently visited wheelhouse. But even if the character doesn’t feel fresh the actor still shines. He can play tired and beaten down, but when he comes to life the screen can’t help but respond in kind.

While the story and character beats are lifeless and dull the action ones are frequent and pretty damn memorable. From a gunfight and car chase near the beginning to some fairly brutal hand to hand combat later on the action scenes are impressive things of beauty. Fair warning though, much of the film is shot in the Bourne or Tony Scott styles meaning lots of cuts and a good amount of shaky cam. With the exception of one early fight I found all of it to be exciting and easy to follow. The film is definitely high energy, and the down-times rarely last long before the next bullet or body is sent flying.

This is director Daniel Espinosa‘s Hollywood debut after catching international attention with his Swedish hit Snabba Cash (aka Easy Money) two years ago. Too often a hotshot director from foreign lands is wooed to America only to completely lose themselves within the Hollywood factory. Think Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck (who went from The Lives of Others to The Tourist), Jean-Pierre Jeunet (from The City of Lost Children to Alien Resurrection), or Oliver Hirschbiegel (from Downfall to The Invasion). Happily for both Espinosa and audiences, he’s avoided a similar fate and has instead delivered a fun and energetic thriller.

Safe House never even tries to surprise or outwit the audience and instead offers up the exact revelations and outcomes they expect. That would be enough to sink most films, but Espinosa’s eye for action and the personalities and presence of his two leads overcome the script’s deficiencies handily. We know exactly how things are going to end, but the joy (and some seriously cool action) is in the journey.

The Upside: Washington and Reynolds are charismatic and have great chemistry together; some spectacular action scenes including a car chase, gun fights and brawls; French girlfriend is quite pleasing to the eye.

The Downside: Just about every story and character beat is predictable and obvious; one very smart and capable character makes one ridiculously stupid move.

On the Side: Say what you will about Ryan Reynolds, but the list of actors reportedly considered for the role proves it could have been far worse…think Sam Worthington, Shia LaBeouf, James McAvoy, Taylor Kitsch, Garrett Hedlund, Zac Efron, Channing Tatum, or Jake Gyllenhaal.

It seems there’s a pervading opinion that children’s entertainment doesn’t have to be good. Any criticism of a work of art intended for the younger members of our society is almost immediately met with cries of “oh come on, it’s just for kids.” It’s a strange form of hypocrisy given that most parents almost always want the best for their kids, except, apparently, when it comes to films. Films seem to get a pass no matter how shitty they may be. But if your kid’s sick and needs a doctor, you want the best possible doctor to treat them. It’s an unfathomable double standard. There should be no shame in demanding better films for youngsters, and, unfortunately, Journey 2: The Mysterious Island is not one of those better films.

The film centers on Journey to the Center of the Earth lead Sean Anderson (Josh Hutcherson), who receives a coded message that he randomly decides must be from his long lost grandfather. Despite his hatred for his mother’s new guy, The Rock, the two team up to break the code, which says that Jules Verne’s writing about a place called The Mysterious Island was fact and not fiction. The island exists and so Sean and The Rock take off for the island of Palau to find the so-called mysterious island. They team up with helicopter pilot for hire Luiz Guzman and his pretty daughter (Vanessa Hudgens), who just happens to be about Sean’s age, crash land on the island and find Sean’s grandfather (Michael Caine), who hates The Rock for no reason at all. But they soon discover that the island is a ticking time bomb and they have to find a way off it before it’s too late.

Journey 2 picks up with virtually no mention of Brendan Fraser, who I’m fairly certain was a big part of the first film. Luckily, the sequel is blessed with the presence of Michael Caine, a fantastic actor with no idea what he’s doing in this film. Caine decides to be a complete asshole to The Rock from the moment they meet. There’s some debate as to the cause of this, though it appeared to me as if Caine was a dick to The Rock because he was Sean’s stepfather. Apparently the film wants kids to know that step-parents aren’t real parents and should be hated and have their authority undermined at every turn. In fact, during one of the more mentally painful scenes of the film, Caine actually says the words “you’re not his real dad” as if biological parents are the only ones who should be obeyed. Way to go, Warner Bros., nice moral values you’re espousing for America’s youth!

The film’s near-constant use of CG is frankly terrible, giving the viewer absolutely no sense that the actors were ever riding giant bees or interacting with the graphically created world in any way. For a film that supposedly cost almost $80m to make, it should have at least halfway decent effects. Unfortunately, that’s just not the case. As if the CG wasn’t bad enough, the 3D just makes it worse. 3D already separates elements on to different planes which only serves to enhance the unrealistic effectl there’s no dimensionality and having live and CG elements separated out onto different planes just makes it all the more obvious that the CG stuff isn’t real.

To illustrate how woefully inept and irrational the screenplay is, allow me to describe a scene from late in the second act. The Rock has pulled out his scientific gobbledygook to explain how the island is sinking and will be completely underwater in a few days. As the group travels across the island headed for their only means of escape, they find that the volcano that’s recently started erupting is shooting flakes of pure gold in the air. Obssessed with the idea of bringing home pure gold, Sean demands that the group head towards the volcano. The Rock explains that this detour will take them several days out of their way. Sean takes this to mean that The Rock doesn’t want him to have any fun and Michael Caine joins in arguing that Sean should be able to do what he wants. NO ONE SEEMS TO REMEMBER THAT THE ENTIRE FUCKING ISLAND WILL BE UNDERWATER AND THEY WILL ALL DIE IF THEY TAKE A TWO DAY JOURNEY TO GET GOLD FROM THE DAMN VOLCANO! It’s such a frustrating scene to watch, you just want to yell at the screen, or better yet, at the screenwriter for insulting our intelligence like that. And not just the intelligence of the adults in the audience – this is a pretty basic plot hole that the average decently intelligent 7-year-old could grasp.

This film is a pathetic mess of awful CG, ridiculously illogical plot points, and questionable morals that is frankly insulting to adults and kids alike. It manages to to stay somewhat watchable thanks to The Rock’s charisma and sheer force of will, coupled with Luiz Guzman, whose befuddled one-liners as the good-natured fool provide the only genuine laughs not caused by the amazing control The Rock has over his pectoral muscles. Sean and the girl end up together mainly because the script says they’re supposed to and not because of any character arcs or developments which give reason for them to like each other. There are plenty of films aimed at children that don’t assume the children in question are dumb and it’s not asking too much to expect a film to be good regardless of its intended audience. Journey 2 is a failure on nearly every level.

The Upside: The Rock’s charisma and pec-popping, Luiz Guzman’s goofy playfulness.

The Downside: Everything else, especially the CG and Michael Caine’s poorly constructed character.

On the Side: While Journey 2 is supposedly a sequel to Journey to the Center of the Earth, the book entitled The Mysterious Island was actually a sequel to Verne’s 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

The Mayans, the wise race of ancients who created hot cocoa, set December 21st, 2012 as the end date of their Calendar, which the intelligent and logical amongst us know signifies the day the world will end, presumably at 12:21:12am, Mountain Time. From now until zero date, we will explore the 50 films you need to watch before the entire world perishes. We don’t have much time, so be content, be prepared, be entertained.

The Film: Idiocracy (2006)

The Plot: Joe Bauers (Luke Wilson), a private in the United States Army, is the quintessential average joe. He’s not smart, but he’s not dumb. He’s not handsome or ugly, physically gifted or deficient. He is, by all accounts, the exactly average American. As such, he’s selected to be a guinea pig in a top secret hibernation experiment for one year. However, when the commanding officer of the experiment is busted for running a prostitution ring, Joe and fellow guinea pig prostitute Rita (Maya Rudolph) awaken 500 years in the future where America is really, really dum. (Get it, I spelled dumb wrong on purpose?)

The Review: Idiocracy, from writer/director Mike Judge is scathingly hilarious. It’s one of my all time favorite comedies, one of the few movies that makes me laugh out loud on a frequent basis. It perfectly balances smart observational humor with the occasional nut shot. It’s the only time I haven’t wanted to punch Dax Shephard in the face (okay, second, he’s alright in Zathura.)

It feels almost elitist to like Idiocracy as much as I do, since I see it somewhat as a realistic roadmap to the future, a future where the ambiguously named Fuddruckers could eventually become Buttfuckers. A time when politics has sold out so completely and marketing has overwhelmed us to the point that the Presidency of the United States is presented by Pepsi and plants are watered with sports drinks, which obviously kill them. The film explains how the world gets really stupid – dumb people breed at a higher rate than smart people, eventually outpacing them by a large margin and breeding a nation of idiots. What does it say about me that this came off as a warning?

In the future, the completely average Joe is, by their standards, a genius with an abnormally large brain. The fact that he can express himself in complete sentences means that he’s viewed as someone who “talks like a fag” and his “shit’s all retarded.” As the new supreme intellect of the land, he soon finds himself appointed to a seat in the government under former wrestler President Camacho (Terry Crews) and burdened with solving the agricultural crisis.

Idiocracy is a hilariously bleak look at a potential future gone full retard. While I doubt the nation will fall to such levels, it does raise some salient points about our culture. The number one show in the future is OW! My Balls, which bears a striking similarity to Jackass or Ridiculousness. Advertisments are everywhere – much like today – and there is very little in the way of class. News and World Report has been replaced by Hot Naked Chicks & World Report and it’s acceptable that a restaurant is called Buttfuckers. Considering today you can watch the Naked News and billboards in Los Angeles have giant condoms on them, how far are we really from this future?

This film is 85% utter hilarity and 15% scary prediction. Luke Wilson is spot on on as the average guy and everyone cast to play a moron is perfect. One aspect that I really respect in terms of story telling is that Wilson’s Joe never really changes – he never gets smarter and doesn’t really change much, and I find that utterly realistic. If you look at most movies the protagonist usually undergoes some radical change, like an architect becoming the world’s most effect vigilante overnight. Not here. Average Joe Bauers stays true to himself and his mediocre intellect, but manages to solve the problems regardless.

But why spend 84 minutes watching this film when you only have 453,367 minutes left to live?

First and foremost, the film is hilarious. You’ll have a great time and forget that you’re going to die in a raging global inferno for almost an hour and a half. Second, after watching this movie and seeing the direction humanity could travel, you’ll welcome the thought of a cleansing fireball erasing our stupid and idiotic existence off the face of the Earth.

You heard me – I’m dumping practically everything I can think of at you, and no doubt I’ll still miss a few. In fact, there’s one I am intentionally leaving out just so I can watch the angry comments and laugh like a Disney villain. Honestly, though – after having my memory jarred by all the comments on my first installment of 14 of the Most Impressive Monologues in Movie History, I couldn’t not make another one of these. So here are, once more, some movie monologues out there that really stick out from the rest.

22. James Downey just heard the dumbest answer ever in Billy Madison

I really need to get around to memorizing this speech for future arguments. As far as monologues go it’s pretty short, but James Downey really sells it with his deadpan and awe-struck performance. It’s this great moment of a character being too mystified by someone’s stupidity to be offended by it in any way.

21. Brad Pitt wants his scalps in Inglorious Basterds

I remember my excitement when I heard that Brad Pitt was going to be in a Quentin Tarantino-directed film about fighting Nazis – but honestly I was hoping he’d play a more complex character when it came to dialogue…I was really hoping to hear Brad Pitt ramble off the fast and unnatural dialogue one comes to expect from this director, but instead we got something arguably better. Brad Pitt as a simple and hardened killing machine. His signature speech from the film chugs along at a moderate pace as he pretty much spells exactly what the audience can expect to see for the rest of the film. It’s a much better use of Brad Pitt and Tarantino writing then the couch-infesting stoner he played in True Romance – although that was also awesome.

20. Marisa Tomei makes you imagine you’re a deer in My Cousin Vinny

This is another short one – in fact I’m not even sure if you can count it as a monologue but I had to include it because of how wonderful the performance is. I know a lot of people were pissed that Tomei won Best Supporting Actress – and maybe it’s because I’m too lazy to educate myself on who else was nominated – but her role in this film did seem award winning to me. It’s a silly character, but she pulled it off flawlessly.

19. Rutget Hauer reflects on his memories in Blade Runner

It’s a very bizarre monologue, at least in the way that Hauer performs it. He’s spent the entire film trying to live, and then at this last moment when he can at least watch this puny human die he instead carries out a new, and much more effective plan. Even though he dies, he doesn’t lose and he knows it – which is what I love about that smirk. He’s saddened by his own mortality but his semblance of humanity is also vindicated by it – at least combined with his final and only act of heroics toward a non-replicant.

18. Warren Beatty talks obscenity in Bulworth

I would like to say that this is the best thing that Warren Beatty has ever done, but I’m not sure that’s exactly the case – it might just be my favorite thing he’s ever done. The film, which was also written and directed by the actor, seems like a combination of an aging man’s desire to get out some political frustrations and also get to hang out with young actresses – although considering his hot wife the latter may not be a huge priority. Anyway, I love this monologue because his core point that any verbal obscenity can’t compare to the type of shit that goes down in Washington can be shared by any American out there despite their political affiliation – it’s a message that is, unfortunately, timeless.

17. Jeff Cohen spills his guts in The Goonies

What’s not to love? Chunk’s confession has to be one of the most honest confessions in film history as he takes us step by step through his life’s sins. I love the cathartic shame that seems to come with each story – as if he felt bad about these deeds before he even did them. Then of course there is Robert Davi’s growing smile throughout, finally ending with “I’m beginning to like this kid!” Poor Chunk.

16. Al Pacino is a fan of man in The Devil’s Advocate

This is one of those performances that an actor like Al Pacino can never take back. If I ever met the actual Devil I would find him only as convincing as he is similar looking to Al Pacino, thanks to this role. It was only a matter of time for someone in Hollywood to have figured this one out, you know? And of course, his satanic presence in this film pretty much comes to its glorious peak at this demonic pro-mankind rant. And you know what? He kind of has a point. I can’t possibly deny that the 20th century was entirely Al Pacino’s.

A long time ago in little place called Hollywood four films vied for the top honors, the #1 spot in the charts, the chance to say for one weekend they were biggest thing out there. One of these films is familiar to making that claim. This weekend sees the return of Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace to movie theaters, and it’s bringing its good friend 3D along for the adventure. Other combatants going up against the George Lucas cash cow feature Denzel Washington playing training day with Ryan Reynolds, the Rock flexing his chest muscles, and Rachel McAdams forgetting who Channing Tatum is. Can you blame her?

There’s plenty in the way of counter-programming out there, so you might be inclined to say it’s anyone’s prize to win. Our good friend Jar Jar might have something to say to yousa.

BIG HITTERS

It’s a little movie called Star Wars. You might have heard of it. You might have also heard these 3D re-releases are all the rage these days. The Phantom Menace pulled in $431m domestic during its initial release in 1999, $924.3m worldwide, but that doesn’t seem to be enough for George Lucas. Despite the rage people have for Lucas and what he’s done with his films in recent years, this 3D re-release of The Phantom Menace will be pulling in its own chunk of change. Even some of those who are irate with the man will gladly lay down $10-15 to see a Star Wars movie, any Star Wars movie, on the big screen again, added 3D bonus or not. The re-releases of the original trilogy in 1997 proved diminishing returns with each release, A New Hope opening to $46.4m in January that year, The Empire Strikes Back with $27m in February, and Return of the Jedi with $19.9m in March. Nonetheless, the 12-year gap since Phantom Menace‘s original release and the 3D ticket prices will be enough to get it somewhere past $30m this weekend. Who knows? Lucas might even feel so good about it that he re-releases the original trilogy just how they were before his edits. Don’t hold your breath, though.

It’s the Yoda dance. It’s dub step. Don’t question it. Just enjoy it:

Denzel Washington can’t seem to do any wrong with these R-rated actioners. Nearly every one of them has opened to a $20+m weekend. Safe House looks to be no different. Its advertisements make it seem like yet another pairing of Washington and director Tony Scott, but that’s just what they want you to think. Safe House was directed by Daniel Espinosa, and he chose a nice, financial combination for his first American feature film. Washington and Ryan Reynolds in a movie where lots of bullets fly and lots of cars blow up? We’re looking at a $20m weekend for sure, and it could be closer to $25m. Expect somewhere in that range to keep the Washington streak alive.

Did you know Denzel didn’t know he was running a daycare center? Well, now you do. Here’s a little impression of what you might expect from Safe House. Hahaha, alright:

Channing Tatum is back, and this time he’s bringing his Kleenex with him. You can’t blame the guy for wanting to throw in a movie like The Vow every now and then between The Eagles and GI Joes of his career. Dear John pulled in $30.4m in its opening weekend back in 2010. That film came out the weekend before Valentine’s Day, too. Still, with Rachel McAdams as the co-star, an actress who isn’t exactly box office gold, and with another romance movie hitting next week in This Means War, the date nights might be skipping The Vow for something more entertaining and less heartbreaking. Who really wants to see a movie that puts them in a somber mood, especially when you’re out with your significant other. Look for The Vow to drop in somewhere around the $15-16m range. Expect GI Joe: Retaliation to do much better.

Speaking of GI Joe, another star from Retaliation has a movie hitting this weekend. You know Dwayne Johnson loves these kids movies like Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, a title that sounds like something Prince came up with. If he isn’t blowing stuff up or punching Vin Diesel in his big head, Johnson’s films tend to come in a little quieter at the box office, as well. Gridiron Gang opened to $14.4m in 2006 while Tooth Fairy pulled $14m even in its opening weekend in 2010. Journey 2 could fend slightly better than that with 3-D ticket prices involved, but don’t expect too much better. Mid $15m range is the best estimate for this sequel, which may have actually benefited from bringing back Brendan Fraser. I almost got through that without cracking myself up.

LITTLE OPENERS

Opening in limited release are Chico & Rita opening in select cities, Death of the Virgin opening in select cities, Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu opening in select cities, In Darkness opening in New York and L.A., Kung Fu Joe opening in select cities, the Oscar Nominated Short Films both live action and animated playing this weekend in select cities, Rampart opening in New York and L.A., and The Turin Horse opening in New York City.

Here’s how the weekend is shaping up:

1. Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace in 3D – $31.2m NEW
2. Safe House – $23.5m NEW
3. The Vow -$16.4m NEW
4. Journey 2: The Mysterious Island – $15.5m NEW
5. Chronicle -$12.8m (-41.8%)
6. The Woman in Black – $11.9m (-44.5%)
7. The Grey – $4.5m (-50.6%)
8. Big Miracle – $4.3m (-43%)
9. One For the Money – $2.6m (-49.8%)
10. Underworld Awakening – $2.4m (-55.2%)

Sold. No, really. I’m sold on this project already. Deadline Tucson reports Ridley Scott is now officially signed on to direct The Counselor, from Cormac McCarthy‘s latest spec script (a probable move we reported on last week). But as if the prospect of Scott (who recently seems bent on getting back to his former glory) directing a fresh McCarthy script wasn’t enough to get you excited, word is now out that Scott is looking at his Prometheus star, Michael Fassbender, to lead the film. Again – sold.

The Counselor has been described, quite tantalizingly, as “No Country For Old Men on steroids.” The film is a modern tale that takes place in the American Southwest and will reportedly center on “a respected lawyer who thinks he can dip a toe in to the drug business without getting sucked down. It is a bad decision and he tries his best to survive it and get out of a desperate situation.” Hmm, dangerous business, bad choices that consume characters, seedy lifestyles? Sound a bit like Shame, meaning it’s something that Fassbender can do, and handily.

Producer Steve Schwartz’s quote on the project has been reported for a couple of weeks now, but it’s a fine one that gives some insight into what we can expect from The Counselor. He said, “since McCarthy himself wrote the script, we get his own muscular prose directly, with its sexual obsessions. It’s a masculine world into which, unusually, two women intrude to play leading roles. McCarthy’s wit and humor in the dialogue make the nightmare even scarier. This may be one of McCarthy’s most disturbing and powerful works.”

While McCarthy’s novel have spawned such films as No Country for Old Men, The Road, and All The Pretty Horses, this marks his first foray into straight screenwriting.

Christophe Gans, who first turned heads in the U.S. by making Brotherhood of the Wolf and last gave us Silent Hill back in 2006, finally has another project on the horizon – and it’s a doozy. The French director, perhaps best known for his moody yet kinetic visual style, will be taking a crack at playing around with the classic Beauty and the Beast story, starting this October. Gans told THR, “Although I will keep to a form of storytelling of this timeless fairy tale that is in keeping with the same pace and characters as the original, I will surprise the audience by creating a completely new visual universe never experienced before and produce images of an unparalleled quality,” then added, “Every single one of my movies has presented me with a challenge but this one is, by far, the most exciting and rewarding.”

Though I’ve yet to be rewarded by Gans’ new endeavor, I’m certainly already excited about it. But, honestly, it’s not necessarily because of Gans’ involvement, and it’s not even for any particular love of the Beauty and the Beast story. No, the reason my blood is pumping is the quality of the cast that is being assembled.

First off, Gans has cast one of the true heavyweights of the acting world, Vincent Cassel, in the role of the beast. From his work in Gaspar Noé’s films, to his starring role in the Mesrine movies, to his role as the ballet instructor in Black Swan, Cassel has proven to be one of those powerful actors who just commands your attention and manipulates your reactions every second that he’s on screen, and I always love to see him pop up in things. A big, meaty, starring role where he gets to really work out some issues surrounding anger and disfigurement sounds great to me.

Cassel isn’t the only name already attached to this one, though. We’ve got a beast, so there also needs to be a beauty. To that end Gans has procured the services of Léa Seydoux. She’s an actor I’m less familiar with than I am Cassel, but I have to say she’s really impressed me in the last year. She went from playing the sweet, pretty shop girl that Owen Wilson has a flirtation with in Midnight in Paris to playing the dangerous, sexy assassin that Paula Patton has a problem with in Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol, losing herself so well in two completely different roles that I didn’t even realize she was the same actress at first. Needless to say, I’ve got a big crush on her now and will be watching everything she does in the future.

So heck, I’m sold. You can tell me that Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman did the definitive version of these characters all you want (please don’t), I say bring on more Beauty and the Beast.

Everybody knows that the world is going to be ending sooner rather than later. Heck, the end of days is getting so close that we’ve been counting down our must-see apocalypse films. But until I watched the trailer for the upcoming comedy Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, it didn’t occur to me how much fun those last few days we all spend on Earth are going to be. I mean, other than when faced with impending asteroid-related doom, when else is a guy like Steve Carell going to get a chance at a girl like Keira Knightley?

Stress-induced romantic hook-ups aren’t the only perks of the world ending, either. There’s slacking off at work, taking part in some cathartic looting, and who knows how many other base pleasures to partake in. Heck, this movie sees Patton Oswalt turning into some sort of hedonistic little Satyr, Gillian Jacobs kissing everyone on the mouth, and Connie Britton hosting dinner parties for her single friends. Not only are these all great ideas for how to spend your last days, they’re also glimpses at a movie that seems to have a stellar supporting cast. Check out how the end times might look with the first trailer for Seeking a Friend for the End of the World after the break.

The thing that I think has me most intrigued to give this film a longer look is how much dark humor they’re able to pack into one little trailer. I mean, this thing’s look at what the end of the world is going to be like is pitch black satire. That line at the beginning about “all your classic rock favorites” killed me. I’m not too familiar with the work of write and first-time director Lorene Scafaria yet, but this trailer has convinced me that I need to be.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World opens on June 22nd. [Yahoo! Movies]

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, so you might have expected something here dedicated to the merchandise of romantic films. But until you can get an official When Harry Met Sally orgasm sandwich, there’s very little overlap in terms of those films and the collectible world. Unless we’re talking Twilight. And I can assure you right now, we bloody well aren’t talking Twilight.

So instead, this week’s column is once again dedicated to the finest things in collecting life, including a further addition to the Mr. Potato Head film co-licensed products. You can’t see it, but I can assure you that the excitement radiating from my every orifice is tangible.

There’s also even more Lego – almost a weekly addition to this column you’ll note, but a wholly justified one in this case - and a book that would make Crime & Punishment blush for being so rubbish. It might also be the most expensive book I have ever recommended people buy, but who cares really – the only way out of recession is through frivolous, short-sighted spending. Probably.

1. The Dark Knight Spud

It was inevitable, given Hasbro’s existing co-licensed Mr. Potato Head lines, that someone would get the idea to release a Batman tie-in, and now PPW, who also have previous with the world’s favorite potato (but not with the same quality as Hasbro it has to be said) have done just that. The design is good, but as a dedicated follower of everything Potato Head related, I can’t help but wish it was Hasbro and not PPW who were in charge of this line.

My only other real issue is the name – I have every movie-themed Mr. Potato Head in my collection and there are a number with ingenious pun-heavy names like Tony Starch and  R2-Potatoo. Adding “Spud” to the end of the film seems slightly lazy in that respect. Why not Batato-Man?

Pre-order one now for $17.99, and you can expect to receive your spud in June.

2. The Lord of the Rings Lego

Okay, so I’m addicted to Lego. But who can blame me? As toys go, it’s about the manliest endeavor one can turn ones hand to combining actual fun with real construction world concerns like surveying, material inventory and meticulous planning. I like to go really balls deep, and have had several stern letters back from the government in response to my planning applications, but you can’t just approach these things frivolously.

Anyway, the latest addition to Lego’s link-up with the world of film is their forthcoming Lord of the Rings series, which once again is likely to attract a hell of a lot of attention when they start to appear in June. The first series will feature the Fellowship of the ring, and the second collects some of the film series’ villains, including Gollum and a Ringwraith – all wonderfully, charmingly designed of course. The Hobbit will get its own Lego series around the film’s release in December.

Bookmark this page for your Lego needs.

3. Star Wars: The Blueprints

Arguably the greatest book I’ve ever clapped eyes on (alongside the Art of Pixar, which is far cheaper and just as wonderful incidentally), and a genuine collectible thanks to the limited print run and the sheer quality of the content. $500 is a lot of money for a book, especially in a world that will soon all be governed by apps and mobile technology, but The Blueprints is a tangible piece of cinema history, brilliantly animated and wonderfully comprehensive. And in the future when electricity is rationed by our alien overlords, you can laugh at those trying to read their e-books with no battery power as you flick through your copy, which will probably be the most valuable thing left in the post-apocalyptic world.

Buy one here.

T-Shirt of the Week

The Pythons are back. Sort of, even if they’re obstinate about calling their upcoming project a Monty Python film. I say we all gleefully ignore that and then criticize the film for being nothing like Life of Brian. That’s how I approach all films these days anyway. Buy it here.

Hide your pocketbook before you enter the Merch Hunter archives.

Perfect Sense is a bad, misleading, and laughable title. With the premise and that eye-rolling title, you’d expect it to be a shoddy romantic comedy, one about people coming to love each other when all else goes to hell. “When everyone’s losing their senses, we’re doing something that makes…Perfect Sense! Get it?” Yes, all around cringe-worthy, but, thankfully, the actual film is not.

Set in the magical and wet land of Glasgow, director David Mackenzie‘s chronicles both the multiple destructions and reconstructions of the world and a relationship. Michael (Ewan McGregor) is a charming and scruffy cook who’s lucky enough to have someone who looks like Susan, played by Eva Green, live right next door to his workplace. Both being the two good-looking people that they are, the obvious consequences come about: they fall in love, just as an epidemic begins to eat away at the world.

It’s no real shock in saying the epidemic is a subtext for the transitions that Michael and Susan go through. A relationship involves adaptation, as would an epidemic which diminishes our five sense: smell, taste, touch, sound, and sight. Mackenzie conveys the grand-scale world effects and the love and turmoil between Michael and Susan with a fair amount of subtlety.

Michael and Susan are self-proclaimed and proud assholes, meaning there’s not a large deal of difficult-to-bare bogus sentimentality. Even after the first time the couple sleep together, one of them is kicking the other out of bed, and not because they did anything wrong. They’re relatable cold individuals, not naive romantics.

By the end, they do grow to become romantics, and it’s earned. Green and McGregor are both lovable and seriously flawed as Michael and Susan. When their relationship is going smoothly, it’s impossible not to crack a smile. For the lesser joyous moments between the two, it’s uncomfortable and slightly heart-wrenching.

Mackenzie handles all the emotions with intimacy. As for the grand scale epidemic, it’s shown with a similar amount of realism. How would the world respond to losing their senses? Not as if they’re in a Roland Emmerich movie, but in the way you’d expect them to: by adapting. Despite the absurd premise, Perfect Sense is surprisingly grounded and, at times, poignant.

The Upside: Ewan McGregor and Eva Green are excellent; is effectively sweet and tragic; approaches human’s ability to adapt in both broad and small ways; features a suitably bittersweet ending.

The Downside: There’s a narration crosses the point of grating at times, despite its attempt to show there’s plenty of other beautiful and sad stories going on elsewhere in the world making for an admirable storytelling choice; one loss of sense scene is more comical than horrifying, but maybe that’s the point.

On The Side: Thank God there’s no major “We gotta find a cure!” subplot.

Looks like we’re going to have to adjust our list of The 52 Most Anticipated Movies of 2012, knocking the number down to a significantly less exciting 51. Summit Entertainment has just announced that they are pushing the release of Warm Bodies from August 10 of this year allllllll the way to February 1 of next year. When I touted the film as part of our most anticipated list of plenty, I explained it as such:

Jonathan Levine follows up his critical cancer comedy hit, 50/50, with an en vogue type of affair – a zombie love story based on a YA novel. But Isaac Marion’s source material shares considerably more with Romeo and Juliet than it does with The Walking Dead and that, along with its up-and-coming cast (Nicholas Hoult, Teresa Palmer, Analeigh Tipton, Dave Franco, Rob Corddry, and no less than John Malkovich) recommend this original look at love at the end of the world.

And that’s all still true, but now we have to wait six more months to catch it. I feel like a zombie just took a bite out of my heart. While I’m not the biggest fan of Marion’s novel, I think it’s a fun basis for a film, and I believe in both Levine and the solid cast he’s assembled for this outing.

So why the move? Deadline Arlington believes it’s to get “it out of the way of tentpoles The Bourne Legacy and Total Recall,” both of which are releasing the week before the film’s original release date, which seems like a fair assumption. The film’s new release date does give it a bit more wiggle room – January has a few releases already on the docket, including Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Broken City, The Last Stand, the 3D re-release of Monsters, Inc., Summit’s own Now You See Me, and Planet B-Boy (in 3D!), none of which seem poised to impact a monster-y YA love story like Warm Bodies, and yet… While not much else looks like the film in February, there is Lionsgate’s own I, Frankenstein, which reads a bit like a more grown-up take on the film. Hey, double feature!

Alex Proyas might want to look into getting some budgeting software or something, because this “over budget” thing is becoming bizarrely familiar. Let’s rehash! Just this week, Proyas’ Paradise Lost adaptation was shut down by Legendary due to a wicked combo of too much funds and too little technology, and now another project that Proyas lost out on because of a bloated budget is back in the news – but for a very different reason. Universal Pictures is apparently bringing Dracula: Year Zero back from the dead, complete with a new director and likely a new cast.

Don’t remember this one? Neither did I, so let’s dig back into the FSR Crypt! Back in 2008, Proyas was set to direct the flick, a supposed “medieval epic” that would serve as origin story for the toothy one. The project languished until 2010, when Sam Worthington of all people was set to star as Dracula himself (Vlad the Impaler, should we be sticking to history). And then the blood ran dry and the budget was too high, and as Deadline Kendal so amusingly puts it, Universal “close[d] the coffin.” But that coffin is now open again, and in a big (wide?) way.

Universal is reportedly negotiating with Gary Shore to direct the film, complete with a new draft of the screenplay from its originators, screenwriters Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless. The film would mark Shore’s feature debut, as his resume currently only includes one short (The Draft) and a mess of commercial direction. However, Shore is a notorious go-getter who was on the shortlist to direct The Wolverine (thanks to a spec trailer he crafted for the character) and who nabbed a deal with Universal and Working Title Pictures for his still-unmade feature The Cup of Tears after he made a similar spec trailer for that film. What I’m saying is, the guy is due.

Sazama and Sharpless have a similar resume – no features yet, but lots of hustle. The pair have been tapped to pen both a new Flash Gordon and the new Clue, and they sold a “futuristic pitch” to Chernin Entertainment back in September. They first sold their Dracula script to Universal back in 2006. Again, these dudes are due.

Yet, with all that new blood coming in, it looks like Worthington won’t be coming back, as “studio sources” report that he’s no longer involved.

This week, Fat Guy Kevin Carr dresses up in his Jedi robes and grabs his lightsaber, heading to the theater to see the 3D re-release of Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace. While there, he faces a sea of estrogen as ladies of all type swarm into the multiplex to see Channing Tatum’s abs multiflex. After using his lightsaber to break through the wall of pre-Valentine’s Day ladies, he faces more obstacles with twentysomething dudes heading out to see Safe House and obnoxious families to see Journey 2: The Mysterious Island. Fortunately for Kevin, he is able to dispatch everyone with his Rock-inspired “pec pop of love.” It was an early Valentine’s Day massacre.

Want to hear what Kevin has to say on the Fat Guys at the Movies podcast? Click here to listen as Kevin is joined by Drive-In Horrorshowdirector Michael Neel to chat about this week’s big releases.

STAR WARS: EPISODE I – THE PHANTOM MENACE 3D
Studio: 20th Century Fox

Rated: PG for sci-fi action/violence

Starring: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Jake Lloyd and Ian McDiarmid

Directed by: George Lucas

What it’s about: Whether you consider him “man” or “devil” (to paraphrase Edgar Allan Poe), George Lucas retrofits his first Star Wars prequel with a 3D treatment. Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi are dispatched to settle a trade dispute and end up rescuing the Queen of Naboo and picking up the Force prodigy Anakin Skywalker along the way.

What makes the grade: Let me preface this by confessing that I am an unabashed Star Wars fan, to the point that I even like all three sequels. I know there’s tons of foibles in this movie in particular, but for someone who grew up with the movies and appreciated as both a child and adult, I am quite forgiving.

Still, looking past its flaws, there are some awesome moments in The Phantom Menace, particularly the action sequences, including the dive through Naboo’s core, the pod race and the final climactic battle sequence that remains one of the greatest three-ways ever committed to film or video.

The 3D conversion looks great here, pulling depth out of even relatively flat shots. Considering Lucas couldn’t go back and shoot the movie in 3D, this is one hell of a treatment, matching the expertise put into Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II. And damn, if that pod race doesn’t look even better in 3D.

What fails: Let’s face it, people. This is 99% the same movie that came out thirteen years ago. So aside from replacing the weird-looking 1999 Yoda puppet, everything else is there, for better or for worse. Jar Jar Binks is still annoying (though my kids loved him), Jake Lloyd still can’t act in three dimensions, the dialogue is cringe-worthy and the plot never quite finds a good momentum. But that didn’t stop me from enjoying the hell out of the film again.

Who is gonna like this movie: Anyone who wants to see The Phantom Menace again, which contrary to what you might believe from the rants on the blogosphere, is quite a few people.

THE VOW
Studio: Screen Gems

Rated: PG-13 for an accident scene, sexual content, partial nudity and some language

Starring: Rachel McAdams, Channing Tatum, Sam Neill, Scott Speedman and Jessica Lange

Directed by: Michael Sucsy

What it’s about: Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum play a Paige and Leo, a young, married couple who are in a terrible car crash. Paige suffers brain damage, and when she wakes up, she cannot remember her husband at all. He spends the next months helping her fall back in love with him and to remember why she made significant changes in her life before.

What makes the grade: Rachel McAdams is about the only decent thing in this movie. She’s beautiful and charismatic. Her charm helps guys like me stomach movies like The Notebook. Too bad she’s paired up with Channing Tatum in this film.

On a side note, the film’s background is quite interesting as it is inspired by a true story. All the dramatic nonsense we see isn’t part of the inspiration, but there was indeed a couple who suffered a similar injury with similar amnesia issues. Look up the story, which is more inspirational than this film even attempts to be.

What fails: The Vow demonstrates how vain Hollywood is, in the sense that it presents an inspiring story but has to slather on cliches because the industry thinks that will make it better. Here, it just gets in the way.

As if not remembering your husband isn’t enough, The Vow shoe-horns in the fact that Paige had a falling out with her family, was basically a different person (a more shallow and dreadful person, I might add) and still was carrying a torch for her asshole boyfriend. This all-too-convenient storyline is nearly impossible to swallow.

Add to this the fact that Channing Tatum may be a good-looking man, but he’s a blithering idiot of an actor on-screen. Anything meatier than G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra leaves him with this embarrassing deer-in-the-headlights look. Even with a script, he’s unable to articulate himself and remind his co-star’s character that she changed for a reason. I really couldn’t care less whether this couple got back together or not.

Who is gonna like this movie: Ladies, and guys who are dragged to the movie (who will probably hate it but lie about it just to get laid).

SAFE HOUSE
Studio: Universal

Rated: R for strong violence throughout and some language

Starring: Denzel Washington, Ryan Reynolds, Vera Farmiga, Brendan Gleeson and Sam Shephard

Directed by: Daniel Espinosa

What it’s about: Denzel Washington plays Tobin Frost, an ex-CIA agent who is an expert at psychological manipulation. Since leaving the CIA, he’s gone rogue and sold many American secrets. After a botched job in South Africa, he lands in a CIA safe house where Ryan Reynold’s character must try to keep him under control and bring him in for questioning.

What makes the grade: Yeah, Denzel Washington is a badass even at his age. He plays the stoic gray character well, and he manages his own in the action sequences. Even Ryan Reynolds is able to look competent as a CIA agent. If you’re a fan of one or both of these guys and don’t mind the many problems with the film (see below), you can enjoy yourself with a Saturday viewing.

What fails: The most noticeable problem with this film is the overdone, grainy and palsied camerawork, even during otherwise steady scenes. This makes the movie a nauseating view on the big screen, but probably preserving its longevity on cable and home video.

But in the end, the plot is convoluted yet entirely predictable. With the action impossible to focus on, that leaves us with the characters. Unfortunately, there’s no real depth to them, and when we finally break through the hard-ass exterior of each, the revelations we get are confusing and boring. It’s a film of all flash and no substance.

Who is gonna like this movie: Fans of Denzel and people who want to see a flashy, gritty action movie that is on the par with last month’s Contraband.

JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND
Studio: New Line Cinema

Rated: PG for some mild adventure action, and brief mild language

Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Michael Caine, Josh Hutcherson, Vanessa Hudgens and Kristin Davis

Directed by: Brad Peyton

What it’s about: Josh Hutcherson returns as Sean, a “Vernian,” which is someone who believes that the subjects of Jules Verne’s books were real places. Along with his step-father (Dwayne Johnson), he embarks on a journey to find the Mysterious Island where his grandfather has been living.

What makes the grade: I’ll be honest with you… this movie is dumb, stupid and ridiculous. The characters are barely two-dimensional, the dialogue is worse than what we have in The Phantom Menace and the story makes very little sense. However, the film moves fast enough through the set-up that we get to the island before you really have a chance to question all this.

When we finally get to the island, this becomes a wacky family adventure with wild, oversized animals and references to fun elements like an erupting volcano of gold and a search for Captain Nemo’s submarine. There’s not a shred of science in this movie, but the film doesn’t make the pretense that it’s trying to do that.

Instead, this movie brought back feelings of what it was like to watch old Saturday morning shows like The Land of the Lost and Danger Island, only with much better special effects. Once I got to that place, mentally and emotionally, I enjoyed the hell out of this movie. And it helped that I brought my kids with me to enjoy it.

What fails: While for the most part the visual effects work, there’s still a few moments that rip off other movies (including several Avatar-esque moments and even a line stolen from High School Musical that is dropped by none other than Vanessa Hudgens). It’s full of plot and character holes, often making giant leaps of logic and continuity.

Still, I enjoyed the Saturday morning adventure feel of it.

Who is gonna like this movie: Kids – particularly boys – and their families.

What is Movie News After Dark? Tonight it’s the column I’m filling in on as Neil Miller journeys to the mystical, frozen land of Chicago. It’s also a list of links to movie or entertainment related things that I either found interesting, noteworthy, or that involved super famous young girls from the Disney channel.

Tonight we begin by getting a glimpse at the second season of HBO’s Game of Thrones. WinterisComing.net has a whole host of pictures from the second season that have reminded me of how much I like the show and reinforced the three reasons why I’m looking forward to new episodes so much: boobs, blood, and Brienne. Hopefully we’ll be getting a lot of each.

Mike Ryan over at Moviefone has written a running diary of what it was like seeing The Phantom Menace 3D at midnight last night. This is a useful service because who in their right mind would ever be willing to go see The Phantom Menace at midnight? I mean, in 2012. Now we can all stop wondering if it was worth the effort. It wasn’t

io9 is usually a good source for fun lists, and today was no exception. Behold, their list of the ten science fiction bars that they would most like to visit. I could definitely see myself getting loaded on whiskey and annoying the patrons in each of these bars by filling the juke box up with Tom Waits. That’s how I roll.

Good news, people who like to be tortured by inane nonsense! The guy in charge of Lionsgate, the company that now owns the rights to the Twilight franchise, has told the L.A. Times that he’s rrrreally hoping that they can make more Twilight stuff; even if it means making a TV show or begging Stephenie Meyer to write another book. Get ready for a few more years of teenage girls telling the rest of the Internet that they just don’t “get it.”

Neil usually likes to break up the middle of this column with some images, so I did some poking around and stumbled across these fan made concept images for an imaginary sequel to The Incredibles that Movies.com posted. They’re fun, but the fact that I had to write the word “imaginary” before sequel kind of bums me out.

The AV Club staff have revealed which fictional characters they have dirty, shameful crushes on. I have to say, they did a great job of coming up with fake people who I would totally boink. I was a little disappointed that nobody mentioned my number one pick, the Chicken Lady from The Kids in the Hall, though.

What? I like sluts.

E! Online has a pretty big scoop about Adam Sandler’s upcoming movie monster cartoon Hotel Transylvania. It turns out Miley Cyrus is out as the voice of Dracula’s daughter and fellow Disney Channel alum Selena Gomez is in. I don’t know how you feel, but my years of watching Disney shows for creepy, inappropriate reasons leads me to believe that this is a serious upgrade.

Lists, they’re the bread and butter of the Internet, and /Film has posted one of the better ones I’ve seen in a while. This time they’re looking at the Best WWII movies that you’ve never seen.  If they’re half as good at predicting what I’ll like as they are at predicting what I haven’t seen, then I’m super excited to check some of these out. My queues have been updated.

Variety says that Disney’s upcoming entry into the Snow White War, The Order of the Seven, has cast its lead. But the more I hear about this movie the less it seems like it has anything to do with Snow White and the more it just sounds like it’s just about a girl teaming up with seven warriors. I gotta say, I’m okay with that. And I’m super-okay with the fact that this movie now stars Saoirse Ronan.

An essay on Movies.com asks the question of whether or not this will be the last good year for comic book movies, and if after this we will experience the downfall. I’m not so sure myself, but I could definitely stand to take a break from spandex and origin stories. Me and Superman are totally dunzo.

Finally, as per tradition, we end the column with a video. This one is really good because it involves butts, and butts are funny. Check out Tom Hardy and McG dropping trou and getting shot in their asses with close range paintball fire. It’s funny because they’re famous.

On a hillside overlooking the beaches of Normandy, American soldiers surround a Korean and a Japanese man wearing Nazi uniforms. This is the second-most intriguing image of Mai-wei, the WWII epic from writer/director Je-gyu Kang. What’s even more fascinating is that the image is drawn directly from real life. How they got there (and into Hitler’s army no less) is a story told while trudging through the freezing mountains of Russia and the hot open plains of Korea.

It’s an enormous movie, told through a decade as two competitive marathon runners – Jun-shik Kim (Dong-gun Jang) and Tatsuo Hasegawa (Jo Odagiri) – begin as alienated enemies and become friends through the brittle evolution of battle.

Certainly its most striking achievements are the extended, highly-choreographed war scenes that steal the breath right out of your lungs. The visual style is an angrier version of Saving Private Ryan, but instead of beginning with Normandy, Mai-wei ends with it, and instead of having a few huge battles, Mai-wei has a solid half-dozen.

Make no mistake; it’s a movie that slams your head into the wall without giving you a helmet.

To the movie’s credit, everything is turned up to eleven. Its depiction of war is unrelenting and raw. At times, it can be overpowering with the camera equally interested in the landscape of explosions as it is the microscopic detail of dirt lifting off the ground and resettling after a man’s blood-drained face slams to the earth for the final time.

It’s violence made beautiful, but the visuals are robust purely because they hold steady as bullets rip through flesh or tanks roll too-slowly over legs and torsos.

All of it is packaged in the context of a war fought by slaves – a frustrating situation where each man loses his freedom and control of his own destiny. More than just citizens conscripted for service, Jun-shik Kim, as a Korean man living under Japanese rule, is forced alongside his friends to fight for a country he doesn’t even belong to. That group is an unsurprisingly ragtag group led by the heroic Kim and his congenial best friend Jong-Dae (In-Kwon Kim). Why is unsurprising? Because the other aspect of the movie’s tone is how broad and cliched it is. Je-gyu Kang does brilliantly when the war is raging, but he has no patience or economy to turn the volume down for everything else. Just as the violence is bombastic, each moment of triumph is met with a sweeping score and an over-the-top semi-slow-mo style just in case the audience couldn’t catch that it was an important scene. The problem? He makes every scene “important” which leaves no room for the calm reality of real life.

The worst offense comes when the soldiers play a too-smiling game of soccer on the Normandy beach after a hard day of setting up blockades and waiting to be shot in the head. It’s the Korean War Movie answer to Top Gun‘s volleyball scene.

Besides the massive dose of sugar this movie didn’t need, everything else is above and beyond excellent. The sports movie aspect, complete with its own cheese, is a fantastic element that puts the two leads on display as competitors who need each other to get better. Fortunately, the movie is also complex enough to realize both the frivolousness of grown men playing a game and the incredible necessity of engaging in something social and aggressive without people being killed. War makes their marathon aspirations both petty and vital. It’s enough to bring every small act into greater focus, and Je-gyu Kang and company never lose sight of that.

Dong-gun Jang and Jo Odagiri are both massive stars in the world of Asian cinema, and they are more than capable here, but the story is the real star. At its heart is the mystery of how two men from East Asia found their way far beyond the western front, and the lifeblood is the continual examination and re-examination of what war does to change good men. For some, it will erase their souls. For others it will fulfill a sense of duty. For most, it will wipe them off the face of the planet.

As hammy as some of its scenes are, Mai-wei is limber and nuanced when it comes to illustrating the break downs and epiphanies that occur when you’ve lost most of your men fighting off ten tanks only to see forty more crest the hill.

Thankfully, the sweetness and hand-holding is left out of the action. If war is hell, this movie is the ninth circle.

That’s important, because the cost of war is high and real, and the production here both understand and honor that. Unfortunately, the movie falls well short of being a masterpiece. With its too-obvious flashbacks to remind the audience of elements that echo each other, and a healthy slice of cheese added to certain segments, the enormity of the powerless (and perhaps pointless) situation that everyone finds themselves in is diminished to a size small enough to fit on the spoon we’re being fed with.

That’s a shame, but it’s still a damned fine movie that is, at times, physically affecting and philosophically challenging. Plus, even if that were stripped away, it’s a classic story about friendship, dedication and sacrifice that’s told on a gorgeous grand scale.